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joseph macquarrie

Rookie - 0 Points (02-17-1992 / milwakee wisconsin)

the full moon

full moon...
full moon in the sky
full moon...
full moon with a light
when i see you in the dark sky giving off a glowing spark, i stare up and smile with happiness and start to love you with all my heart but not as much as i love my sweetheart.

full moon...
full moon up in the sky, sparkleing up there in the sky showing yourself to everyone in the world the gift that no one knows, the gift of romance.

Submitted: Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Edited: Tuesday, December 01, 2009

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  • Rookie Laura Green (12/11/2009 2:31:00 PM)

    whoa, steady there, i think you have a nice concept for a poem here. As mentioned by another commenter, the 'in the dark sky giving off a glowing spark' line does give a nice bit of imagery. The contrast of dark with light is very romantic.

    However, you start with a sort of repetitious structure and then go randomly into prose. I particularly like the ideas and the message behind the 3 prose lines of the first verse. Your awe of the moons beauty and love of your partner/ person you would like to be your partner does come across nicely, even in raw verse, but you need a structure to make it work well.

    Try to look at existing structures of poems and how they work, and see which one you think would best suit your poem, and rework it in that structure.

    Also, 'full moon up in the sky, sparkleing up there in the sky ', in that line you repeat yourself unneccessarily.

    Just a minor quibble, but in the last line, you say that romance is the gift no one knows. The whole poem is very romantic and suggests you DO know it, so that line doesn't make a lot of sense to me in the context of the poem.

    Also, 'smile with happiness', i think adding 'with happiness' actually weakens the line, as your descriptions in that line show me your degree of awe, so you don't need to artificially tell me what you're feeling as you're already making me feel it with you. As i said in your other poem, try to show, not tell emotions.

    To some up, you have some good ideas and themes in this, but you lack any real structure. There is potential in this, so i would rewrite it in another structure if i were you. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Danny H (10/6/2009 4:50:00 PM)

    Haha, How sweet it is to compare your sweetheart to be more beautiful than the more persay :)
    Lovely (Report) Reply

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