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Madman Poet
The Lone Soldier
A Captain’s command loud and clear
Sending enemies to depths of fear
Thundering down the hill
Soldiers charge at their will
Hunting down enemies without grievance
They aim at them in patience
Murderous and blood-thirsty they were
As they display no signs of fear
At the sight of his dead friends, a solider cried
With obtaining revenge in store
As he shot at one, he vied for more
But the contentiousness in him died
His sight blurred in the rain
As his energy was set to drain
A soldier lay beside him bleating in pain
Driving this lone solider insane
As his troops left existence
The officer started to lose his persistence
The skies above dwelled in a sullen grey
But the soldiers on land fought till fray
A victory for the soldiers was in sight
As they fought with might
The despair soldier gave his best
Until he was laid to rest
After an uprising victory
All was forgotten
The war swept away a generation of soldiers
But also ended up creating a new line of soldiers
Determined to destroy their enemies for once and for all…….
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Gautam, I like the subject of this poem - a soldier who puts his/her best effort to eliminate enemies. Overall it is very nice. I do not know much about technical elements of a poem so cannot comment on that but I have some feedback:
1. I do not consider soldiers as Murderous and blood-thirsty. I am sure they get enraged by their fallen fellow soldiers but their reason to fight is not because they are blood thirsty. In my opinion they want to prevent the enemy to make any further damage to the soldier's country and fellow country people.
2. I liked the stanza A victory... very much
3. In the last stanza, I feel sad to read the war swept away a generation of soldiers - how true! ! .we all owe a lot to the lost lives. Can you think of a positive replacement for the last line of that stanza? As your conclusion says destroy for once and for all, I assume the enemies were already removed after an upraising victory. so, if you can make that last line a more positive and promising one that will be much better.
Keep up the great work, budding poet! ! Hope to see lot more great works from you in the near future!