The Outlaw Baldy Bert Poem by Kim Barney
The Outlaw Baldy Bert
His face is grim; his eyes are green;
he's the meanest hombre ever seen.
If you want to stay safe and not get hurt,
you stay away from Baldy Bert.
His eyes are crossed, but he shoots straight;
he's sent a hundred to their fate,
so keep secure and don't get hurt
and stay away from Baldy Bert.
He has a temper that explodes;
if you cross him he just unloads,
so you stay safe and don't get hurt
and keep away from Baldy Bert.
His head is smooth; he has no hair,
but don't you ever stop and stare!
Just look away and don't get hurt,
and just avoid old Baldy Bert.
Don't you make fun of his bald head
or very soon you'll end up dead.
If you see him coming, run away
and live your life one more sweet day.
His teeth are yellow and they stink;
He'll slug a fellow in a blink.
His nose is large with three big moles;
mention it and he fills you full of holes.
He has a full and mangy beard,
and by the lawmen he is feared.
Wyatt Earp and many another
have seen him and then run for cover.
Avoid that bullet hole in your shirt,
and stay away from Baldy Bert!
The nickname, 'Baldy Bert', however, is what the students used to call my high school English teacher. He was nothing like the character depicted in the poem. A kinder, gentler person you could not hope to meet.
The students used to sing a song about him, sung to the tune of 'On Top of Old Smokey':
On top of Old Baldy
There isn't a hair.
He cusses and frets but
there still ain't none there.
I told my older sister that the last line should be changed to 'His head is still bare' because that would be grammatically correct. She said something like, no, it should stay the way it is because, since he is an English teacher, if he ever heard the song, the bad grammar would make him even angrier.
Students can be cruel to their teachers sometimes...
written 21 Sep 2014
Recife, Brazil
deleted 25 December 2014 and resubmitted with slightly different title in order to get rid of that obnoxious soundtrack added by PH
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
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5/7/2024 12:24:25 AM # 1.0.0.1119
favorite lines: Wyatt Earp and many another have seen him and then run for cover. ................even though to rhyme is a little off. ha ha yeah, bullet holes don't wash out! ! ! to MyPoemList! a fantastic poem; reminds me of some of my fantastic poems! ! ! are you SURE i didn't write this? bri :)