Thoughts Racing Through My Head Poem by Selina Gurgacz

Walking around,
Thoughts flying through my head,
Trying hard to push aside those thoughts that torture me,
And trying to think positively.

I walk past people and wonder,
Do they care?
Do they even have the faintest idea about this stuff?
But then I realise,
That they wouldn’t,
Unless they knew someone in a similar situation.

I think to myself,
Wondering if my parents actually cared,
Even just a little bit,
As at the present moment,
Everything that they do or say,
Shows that they don’t.
That they don’t care.

I give up,
Knowing that it is pointless trying to find something,
And try to forget about it,
But it’s hard,
When thoughts of them not caring,
Of what they say to me,
Keep playing in my head like a track record,
Replaying over and over again.
Frustrated because I know what they want me to do,
Who they want me to be,
But I know that that isn’t what I want to do,
Or who I want to be.
They want me to be a teacher,
I want to do music,
Composer,
Songwriter,
Singer or performer.
They want me to be perfect.
The perfect daughter,
Who speaks perfect,
Walks perfect,
Breaths perfect,
Get’s the highest mark for every class,
And that nothing below that is acceptable.
I just want to be me,
To pass every subject,
Because it’s not as easy as they seem to think.
But then again they never went to university,
Though my dad got kicked out of teachers college,
Before the first semester was through.

I just don’t understand why they are doing this to me.
They don’t like the fact that I want to do music,
But tough, I say.
Deal with it.
It’s my dream not yours,
It’s my career not yours.
Only problem is,
I say these things inside my head,
And not out loud for them to hear.

There’s just so many thoughts racing through my head,
That I get sick of it,
And I just don’t care about the dangers or implications of my actions,
But I put my headphones in my ears,
Turn my music on,
And try to drown out the world,
And let myself be immersed in the music,
So that I don’t have to think about it anymore,
Until I have to stop the music,
And those thoughts come racing back,
Racing around my head,
Once again.

(c) 5th November 2010