To My Dearest Mother Poem by Anya Nikolaevna

I am your first child.
You carried me in your womb,
you fed me,
you kept me warm,
you offered me unconditional love,
you kept me safe.

I am your first child.
You were inexperienced,
you were nervous,
you were clueless,
everything you learned
about being a mother
was through me.

That's why it's hard for me
not to sympathize
with the mistakes
you've committed,
which shaped most of my personality today.

You and dad
were like gods
in my little eyes.
You were my heroes
and my role models.

It's difficult for me
to think about the hard moments
I've faced caused, unfortunately,
by you.

I know you wanted
the best for me.
I know you wanted me
to be the best.
But that's the problem mom,
I can't always be that.
But it was hard for you
to accept it.

Physical and emotional abuse,
that's what it's called,
what you did.
And it scarred my little heart
until this very day.

I learned how to lie
to my friends
and teachers
about the bruises,
the cuts, and my depressed
state.

Dad asked me
to blame my baby brother,
and claim it was an accident.

Didn't you see
that my little heart broke
and got shattered
every time I lied?
Because I knew what happened,
I could see it,
clear as day,
I could imagine it all
in my mind, as I lied,
and I still can.

I loved you then,
I still love you now
as I am writing this poem,
and I will always love you.

But it's hard,
it's so hard
to forgive and forget
when it comes to this.

I wholeheartedly believed
that I was a disappointment
in your eyes.
I believed I was
a failure,
that no matter
how hard
or how many times
I tried, I would never
be the daughter
you wanted me to be.

It broke my little heart.
It really did.