True And Truer Poem by Lonnie Hicks

The Popcorn Chronicle

I am at the movies with a big bag of popcorn and a big drink trying to navigate between the narrow seats. It is awkward.
The movie has started and I am squeezing down the aisle facing the rear of the movie theater and then it happens.

I step on the foot of a woman and the popcorn tilts and much of it lands right in the lap of the lady. I gasp 'I am sorry, ' and reach down to try brush the popcorn from her lap.
My hand trembles because in this process I step on her foot again. More of the popcorn spills right down her front and some of the drink as well.

She jumps up and bumps me and the popcorn flips and popcorn is now on her husband and the people in the next row up.

Pandemonium and the usher is there with a huge flash light inquiring what is going on.

The lady stammers that 'He put his hand in my lap.'
This is beginning to look bad.

The usher gives me the masher look and I deny everything.
I put my wife in front of me saying 'She is the only woman I mash.'

The mashee and her husband shake off the popcorn and the big gulp and and try to eject the popcorn from her purse-preparing to leave the crime scene for CSI.

The two go toward the aisle stepping on the toes of everyone in my row and I stand there waiting for the usher to finish reporting the incident on his walkie-talkie.
The buttery couple finally get to the aisle and then the usher motions for me to follow him.

This is bad.

I wait for the couple to finish their under-the-breath curses and then slowly merge toward the aisle with my wife clutching my coat-tail, sure we are going to jail.

Inside the office the usher laughs and laughs and we go next door for coffee with two free passes for the next show.

The Country Connection

I am waiting for a movie and go looking for a Irish pub that had an Irish motivf and decent food.
The bar is gone and has been replaced and was now under new management. It is now a Country western bar.
I go the the juke box and looking at all of the songs, most of which I have no idea what they sound like.

I am there minutes and suddenly a voice says in a drawl
'How long you gonna take at that box? This is my only day off.'

There is the no music, voices can be heard clear as a bell, dramatic silence is now in the room. Everyone looks up, the bartender looks at me and the guy at the bar and smells trouble.

I turn from my music selection process to have a look at my interlocutor and decide to utilize my conflict resolution skills.
I wave my hand dramatically over the glass-enclosed music selections and step toward the bar saying slowly:

'If you know these tunes you could get up here and help me out. You pick'em and I'll pay for 'em'

Not being a fool the bar stool guy gets up after downing his drink and says
'Throw in another round for me and you got a deal'

And that is how I saved the Western World.

The Wife in the Darkness

My love and I are at the movies just entering and it is pitch black- so dark you could not see anything and we wait for some light from the screen to illuminate the way to some seats.

We become aware via breathing that several others are also waiting, in the same dark predicament.
Suddenly an elderly voice says:

'Mabel where are you? '

Trouble maker that I am, I respond in a heavy whiskey base voice:
'Over here.'
The voice says: 'You are not Mabel'

I say 'Yes I am.'

The real Mabel says: 'I am Mabel. Who are you? '
The man says 'Where are you Mabel? '

Mabel and I say simutaneously 'Over here.'

My wife kicks me, expecting a riot.

The movie goes to a day-time scene and there are eight people looking around trying to identify Mabel with the whiskey base voice.

I look away, innocently, following Mabel down the aisle hiding my laugh with a cough.


Cheating at Universial Studios

At Universial Studio a restraurant had a mecanical bull and a basketball court inside with dining room tables all around.

Naturally, I told my friends that I could ride the the bull and make 10 free throws in a row.

Gales of laughter.

I have made 10 free throws in a row, many times before and that part of it was not difficult. But it drew the attention of all of the diners, but I had never ridden a mechanical bull in my entire life.
I strode over to the bull and made a big deal of inspecting the appartus so as to ensure that the bull was going to be a challenge for me and demanding to see the bull operator to ensure that the speed would be set fairly. After that conversation I returned and poised myself over the bull ready to mount

I seated my self and threw one arm high in the air rodeo-style and the bull jerked up and I came down with one leg on the bull saddle and the other leg almost to the floor.

I yelled out ' Turn it up' causing many there to doubt my sanity.
But ten seconds later I had succeeded in riding that bull more or less side-saddle, there by saving the honor of my entire family.

I sat down amid the awed silence in the room and stabbed my fork to the sky.

My wife says: 'How did you do that? '

'True girt' I said: 'But the truth is that the Bull operator is one of my buddies from college-he told me what to do.'

And that is I beat the mechanical bull at Universial Studios.

The Sound of One Hand-Clapping

My philosophy professor always overused the question: 'What is the sound of one hand clapping' to make his points. His implication was that one hand cannot clap.
It was irritating.
One day I realize I can make one hand clap by slapping my fingers against the palm of my hand. It is a stunning realization. It is a soft sound and barely audibile, but with 30 people in a class it could be heard.

The next day five friends and I wait for our moment, when he says: 'And that would be the sound of one hand clapping.'

Five hands go up and the sound of soft clapping could clearly be heard. Then there are fifteen and then other people in the classs did it just to see if it could be done.

Professor was stunned. 'I see I have a class of empiricists' he said embarrassed.
It was a stunning victory for the students of the world.

He said finally 'And that was the sound of 30 students laughing.'


Take the Women First

I am sitting in a diner while on vacation and a man comes in the front door yelling and screaming:

'Women are the devil's spawn. Women are the Devils spawn! '

There is a tremendous tension in the dining area and people start to get up to leave.
The man finally comes to our table, stops and yells at me 'Women are the Devil's spawn.'

I turn to my wife and I say in my best stage whisper: 'It's for you dear.'

The place explodes in peels of laughter and the man, looks confused, turns and leaves.