Trying To Understand Poem by Andrus Cassian

This can't happen, why didn't I react faster
Feet planted in the ground, a dandelion too afraid to move
or someone's wish will never come true
but if I'm only here to progress someone else's will
who's going to progress mine?
She reached out to me, her hand to take
but I hesitated, and in return she gave back the necklace
I placed gently around her neck myself
It was my promise, my statement
She's at the forefront of everything
yet I know nothing as I try to understand
piece together this puzzle I destroyed
By focusing on my future, treating my friends like leaves
leaving them to blow away in the wind
No words nor friendly banter to relay
I'm busy and will come play later
No, in my actions were unintentional cockiness and malice
I never meant to portray, I just want to succeed
make the ones closest to me so very proud
yet pride is what makes man lose track of themselves
and I've lost track of me, a constant recurring theme
Maybe I am just selfish no matter how selfless I try to be
Can I recover what was lost, can I recover
I ask my reflection in the river which comes out louder than normal
Oh…
I've been cursing and crying…
Screaming at my reflection in this river
punching this image of myself
turning the river red
breaking my knuckles on a rock I didn't see…
How long have I been out here?
Listless and waiting for someone to hear me
hoping she'd come to stop me, that she'd hear my rage
and be the beauty to soothe the beast inside
She won't come back, not today
I don't blame her, I'm a mess
I'm a man dressed down as a tantrum throwing child
flat on my back in a shallow river, staring up at the sky
an endless sea of satellites in its wake
Before I close my eyes, a thought so humiliating
ran through my brain
How many people in those satellites can see me
How many people in that sky saw me bleed, saw me break
How many people in that sky….are laughing maliciously at me