A Prayer For Self Identity Poem by Maurice Harris

A Prayer For Self Identity



I look in the mirror and am ogled by a complete stranger;
I wonder when I lost my sense of self, my sense of direction,
And why I did not notice the signs of my own destruction,
Turn tail and run away, far away from that inherent danger.
Perhaps I will never know, and now I am too busy trying
To pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams,
To make new ones, far better than they—defying
All the odds; finally I gained what my heart truly esteems.
Some days are euphoric, some are tragically desolate,
Some days I emote as if a school girl, bereft and disconsolate.
I mourn for the man I used to be, yet must adapt to who I am now;
I want not pity, nor sympathy-just understanding, but I know not how
I am supposed to explicate to you that which even I do not comprehend.
They have said that I have PTSD, which caused me to briefly see my end-
This, of course, damaged my brain, to what extent I do not know quite yet;
Other maladies have since manifest because of the same, and may never minify.
All I do know is that I may still respire, and for that, I will always be in His Debt.
Much has been taken, yet much has also been bestowed; I choose to be grateful
For what I do have, yet that does not mean that I should ever forget that fateful
Day and the cataclysm it brought to bear upon me and all I hold sacrosanct—
Because I want to know that my anguish had a genesis that was real and causal
To the actions or inactions of others, whose deceitful ways were easily outflanked.
My obsession with knowing how all of this could have come to be will never cease,
Nor ameliorate with the passage of time—until I know the answers, I will never see peace.
"Heavenly Father, may I again know myself as I once did, and feel no more sorrow or shame;
Please help me to understand Your purpose; what is the reason that all this transpired?
I was not considered, but as a pawn; give me the strength to reckon with what others conspired;
Each day that passes, I shall garner yet more strength from my Savior, as I say this in His Holy Name."

- Maurice Harris,31 October 2014

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