Treasure Island

stephen stirk

(23rd June 1957 / Liverpool)

A Sale Of Two Titties


In the heart of an old village setting
There stands an Antique dealers rooms
Full of rarest antiques brought for vetting
Plus two urns sold by Hilda May Coombs

Last valued in May, Nineteen thirty
Estimated at fifteen pound each
The value-er thought they were ‘dirty’
Uncertain what price range they’d reach

Hilda had sold them to Betty
For the price of just one hundred quid
They were no longer friends, all quite petty
And Betty decided, ‘Get Rid’

Hilda had nearly no money
Had in recent years always been sick
It was no laughing matter, ‘not funny’
Poor Hilda had ‘Left eye wink’ tic

She had noticed the urns in the window
And the interest had made her go in
Thought “I’ll miss the first game at the bingo
With my luck, I’m sure I won’t win”

At the sale rooms the buyers were massing
Old eggcups and teacups and mugs
The interest was more than just ‘passing’
But all eyes fell on Betty’s huge jugs

Each pictured a part naked woman
Revealing their part covered chests
“Who’ll offer a hundred now cum-on
It’s worth it to look at their breasts”

Then the auctioneer said “What a nice pair,
You seldom see many around
They would grace almost any Antique fair
Okay start me at Ninety Five Pound”

The bidding began in frenzy
Authenticity taken on trust
Determined old pervert McKenzie
Could not take his eyes of each bust

As the auctioneer dealt with the bidding
Hilda tried not to look up or blink
“Three hundred pounds –you are kidding
There worth more than that much-I think”

Hilda was good at concealing
But her nerves were now giving some stick
And she couldn’t refrain from the feeling
That someone would notice her tic

As Hilda winked faster than lightening
Her luckless demise was profound
She could feel that her stomach was tightening
As the bidding reached twelve thousand pound

The bidding continued to rocket
McKenzie kept bidding in fits
As he fumbled within his right pocket
And mumbled “I’ll have Betty’s t**s”

The auctioneer played with his gavel
McKenzie played games with his flies
As the auction began to unravel
And Hilda winked wild with both eyes

Then the bidding stopped dead rather quickly
And silence fell over the rooms
McKenzie had failed and looked sickly
“Fifty thousand – sold ‘Hilda May Coombs’

The sheer realisation of winning
Had made Hilda Coombs very sick
Hopes shattered, and head that was spinning
Each successful bid made by her tic

As she signed for the lot, the cashier
Said “well done these are great and not tat”
As Hilda May wiped off a tear
Said “I’ll have to re-mortgage me flat”

McKenzie approached her and then said
Here’s a kiss, a well done and some hugs
Then viciously slapped at her poor head
And lunged as she dropped her great jugs

Now poor Hilda lives in a hovel
With big damaged jugs and no kitty
And is writing her best selling novel
It’s title ‘A Sale of Two Tittie (s)

Submitted: Sunday, February 22, 2009

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Comments about this poem (A Sale Of Two Titties by stephen stirk )

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  • Jenny Sherman (1/8/2010 9:46:00 AM)

    I had to laugh all the way while reading this, a great little story you created this is most defiently the best poem i have read yet (Report) Reply

  • Jenny Sherman (1/8/2010 9:46:00 AM)

    I had o laugh all the way while reading this, a great little story you created this is most defiently the best poem i have read yet (Report) Reply

  • David Harris (10/23/2009 10:43:00 AM)

    Stephen, brilliant as always, I suspect everyone else has written something witty, My only contribution can be I went to an auction once and bought a bedpan for half a crown. Hell Knows why I bought it I wasn't geriatric then. Top marks and thanks for sharing this my friend.
    All the best
    David (Report) Reply

  • Robert E Hann (10/1/2009 6:23:00 AM)

    Take the fine comments below this
    and roll them in one giant ball.
    Now wasn't that fun? And now that you're done,
    I guess they about said it all. (Report) Reply

  • Robert Jaffray (9/14/2009 2:39:00 PM)

    a brilliant and funny poem with a laugh in every line.............a masterpiece of poetry and comedy (Report) Reply

  • Michael Gale (5/28/2009 1:56:00 PM)

    Ha! Ha! Great poem that had me rolling. I am glad I got to read it before poemhunter removes it from it's sight. They, here have a penchant for removing poems that they deem dirty, in content as well as words. Don't get me wrong, I loved it! Hope you have it saved or copies some where safe. This one was a master piece, no doubt. I easily gave it a tenner! God bless all poets-MJG. (Report) Reply

  • Dr.subhendu Kar (5/20/2009 3:53:00 PM)

    simply wonderful poem parody, yet a marvel in its own style, well penned,10+, thanks for sharing (Report) Reply

  • Shashendra Amalshan (5/10/2009 4:55:00 PM)

    hey great story stirk..lol...wondered wether i was watchng 'who is your daddy ' (a movie) ...all da time..great fun...auction..i 10++++for making me laugh o l (Report) Reply

  • Marie Shine (5/1/2009 10:18:00 AM)

    A wonderful imagination gave birth to this marvelous and so funny poem.
    A laugh in every line, packed with a final punch at the end.
    A well deserved 10 from me. (Report) Reply

  • Myrtle Thomas (4/7/2009 8:20:00 PM)

    I found this so very entertaining and laughed all the way through, You have a very vivid imagination, Bawdy and rowdy and oh so funny.A great write (Report) Reply

  • Carl Harris (3/26/2009 10:39:00 AM)

    Well, this is a hilarious tale, Stephen, not only well written, but utilizing a great play on words at almost every turn! You have a vivid imagination and a great humorous story telling ability and it simply shines in this wildly humorous poem.
    Carl. (Report) Reply

  • Alison Cassidy (3/11/2009 9:30:00 PM)

    This is ludicrously funny Stephen. What a fine story-teller you are with an impeccable ear for traditional poetic form. Indeed, you exhibit some of the wit and ingenuity of C J Dennis' 'The Sentimental Bloke'. love, Allie ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (Report) Reply

  • T McH (3/8/2009 5:08:00 AM)

    Nothing short of hilariously brilliant. What a find! t x (Report) Reply

  • Mark R Slaughter (3/6/2009 6:46:00 AM)

    Steve - hilarious as ever - how do you think of these themes? Please tell me there really was an auction like this.....
    Mark (Report) Reply

  • George Bernard-bloody-shaw (2/27/2009 2:29:00 PM)

    What the Dickens? ? ? ?

    A bit long but worth hanging about for.. In fact, excellent bit of word manipulation. I enjoy your twit ('scuse spelling) .

    George (Report) Reply

Read all 22 comments »

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