Aching With Wistful Restraint Poem by Renee Marie

I am aching to find my way
into you

vacillating with resentful acceptance of your
preoccupations and aloof self-restraint

Where is the door; 'handle it', I admonish myself,
until the longing ceases even as I crave to find
you, surprisingly, unexpectedly, finally opening only
in my imagination
again and again.

Why are you so obscured,
overshadowed by revolving, safe, predictable constrictions
I surmise and so
I feel sorry
for you
and I stay
in our familiar
emptiness
careful not to be too endearing
too vocal
too anything

I imagine the door, sealed
a very thick, heavy steel

Why am I always standing
on the outside
with hands tied and eyes widely
blinded by pretending
it's still enough for me?

Why do I continually wait
to be invited as if it's ever going to happen?

What if you long to have me barrel-through
but I don't know how to even begin to believe that
or how to soften steel!
I want a break-through to dissolve the years of restraint
I want it to be honest, mutual, spontaneous
Delightfully, authentically full of absolute surrender and safety.

© Reneé Marie
v2 12/8/20
v1 2013