Brother Poem by Mark Williams

To be honest I have not been honest.
I've been hiding a part of myself from you this whole time, and it isn't right and you deserve better;
Both from me and Her.
I thought it was okay because we are both warriors.
I watched you go into battle knowing what would happen, knowing what She is and yet I did nothing to stop it.
I stood idly by as a monster devoured you.
The same kind of monster that I am.
The truth is that like you, I believed in Her.
In Her ability to fight and resist.
For that I was wrong brother, don't think that I don't regret it.
I know that everyday She clouds your mind.
Like a priest's thoughts on God, every thought circles back to Her.
I am not trying to say you worship Her.
I am trying to say I know what it is like to have your existence only held in the context of Hers.
I know what it is like to need the need to say I love you too.
Every time you feel that tug on your heart, I feel that same pain resonate in me.

So this is my apology to my brother.
I need to find that moment and place where I lost myself and shake myself awake.
I am not even sure when it started.
The only thing I know is I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a dream only to find I've been hurting everyone I love this whole time.
All I can offer you is this:
I love you and I am dearly sorry that I am not someone else.

I need to fill in some gaps.
Most nights I have nightmares about not being able to control who I am.
Each thought I have is followed up by a doubting thought.
(No it isn't stop lying, we always agree) .
I sometimes realize that I have no idea what I've been doing for the last few hours and I can't remember if my wife is around but I hope to god she wasn't.
Dramatic and angry situations make me happy and thrilled.
I ride waves of anger and hatred constantly in order to focus.
While I seem misguided, another side of me is sharp, prepared at any moment to do anything asked of it.
My intensity is merely what leaks out of me.
I am called a monster because truly, I do not fear death.
This is what makes me inhuman; and if She is not careful, She will be walking this path also.

So this is my apology to myself.
I need to find that moment and place where I lost myself and stop myself from thinking the thoughts that placed me on this path.
I am not even sure when it started.
The only thing I know is I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a nightmare like someone has been controlling me this whole time.
I am dearly sorry that I am not someone else.

Brother, I resent you.
When I actually needed you, I found that you were conspiring against me.
This action was proceeded by a history of betrayals.
I know that you don't feel the same.
I know that, to you, my feelings were immature; but look at what I've grown into.
Do you think this was the door I wanted to open?
Do you regret like I do Brother? Truly?
Please don't reply.
This isn't about this, or that, or Her, or She.
This is about you and I.
I told you that if it takes one hundred years you would feel the way I do.
I think knowing what you do now, you will take me seriously.

So this is my apology to my brother.
I need to find that moment and place where I lost myself and tell myself I can forgive you.
You were there when it started, and you will be there when it is finished.
The only thing I know is that this is the reason I am a know nothing.
All I can offer you is this:
I love you and I am dearly sorry that I am not someone else.

My wife, I love you,
Additionally all of my actions flow from you.
If not for you, I would be something else.
My love for you is so great, I broke a blood oath to have you.
If I had any honor, by those rules I would be dead, but I don't.
I do not express how happy I am to have you enough.
The idea that you brought up that I may not have been ready for marriage rings through me.
I still feel ready.
I thought that I could not bring all of these emotions into us, into you, but it won't be helped.
I need to be who I claim to be.
I wrote that I can save everyone, no matter what I became.
I need to make that same promise to save myself.

So this is my apology to my wife.
I need to find that moment and place where I lost myself and remind myself that the light is coming.
I can no longer allow you to be the echo to these thoughts.
The only thing I know is - I need you,
But all I can offer you is this:
I love you and I am dearly sorry that I am not someone else.