Ever Poem by Brittany Quail

My face is sticky
and my nose is running
and im sick of feeling this way
especially considering it's never REALLY stopped
I wonder what she's said about me
and what people i don't even know think about me

I wonder why they talked about me
like I was the least important person
so insignificant.

I should know I'm not...
or am I?

I feel like the weakest person to ever walk the earth
I'm sick of trying to pretend like nothing happened
I'm sick of looking at myself and wondering what I did wrong

I don't want to think about it anymore
but I still read every word and hate it
I look at every picture and hate it
I waste every second and HATE IT

I throw things.
it doesn't help
I cry
it doesn't help
Then I come back

I read one more thing I never knew
That I hadn't noticed the first 100 times
and it starts again
the dizzying, spinning, sickening
aching, crying, shouting
biting, kicking, scratching
ripping, tearing, bleeding
frightening, disemboweling, blinding
screaming, gripping, unending
vomitting, deafening HATRED.

Bury my face in my knees
SOMEHOW gather myself
before someone walks in the door
and asks me what's wrong

If I told them
they'd think I was jealous

I am.

They'd think i was angry

I am.

They'd think I was wrong

I am.

They'd think I was sick

I am

They'd think I was crazy
But most of all they'd think I was bad to him

and I'm so afraid I am
and that's so much guilt
too much guilt
to ever bear
ever.

[May 22 2008]