I Was Scared; Poem by Tiffani Williams

to see beyond what I knew
but you took my hand
and you led me to
the telescope
and told me to take a look
that it might make me feel
more or less as though I was real
and I swallowed my nausea
and my fear
and I gripped your hand
and closed my eye,
ignored my doubts
and I looked into the great void
and I try to take notes
and make sense out of what I see
but all I can come up with
is some nonsense,
about how it all means more
and I play connect the stars
in hopes of finding your heart
in the constellations
and you try to explain
that’s not what you meant
and I’m making more of it
the man in the moon
just makes me sad
because he’s alone
and he’s nothing but a face
made of scars
and every time I look at a star
I don’t see the light,
I see the day
it caves into itself
and swallows up light
and I wonder if there’s a message
that you’re trying to show me
through the glass
it amazes me,
the way I can see the planets
and make out the details
and know they’re so far away
that it’s measured in years
and not really miles,
and it reminds me of the way
midnight conversations
drifted to awkward silences,
and how a lot of breathing was done
in place of speaking
when we both ran out of words to say
and I don’t know why I think this way.
but I ponder for more
though I don’t want to see it
I don’t want the things I’ve saw.
but I see the rings of Jupiter
and I think how can beauty
be so toxic
and it kind of saddens me
how the planets around
Jupiter must envy
the way it orbits
beautifully with everything
they don’t have.
kind of the way the past
saddens me
with everything we don’t have
anymore
but we did before.
and as I turn away,
I catch a glimpse
at a shooting star
and I let go of your hand
and I walk away
and you look confused
and I almost think you care
but when you ask why
all I can think to say
is

“I’m sorry”