If Only Poem by Princess Moultrie

if only i lived
if ony i died

why cant i see the sun rise
i cant see it fall
its distant
gone
invisable to me

knowing im watching
but that no one else is
seeing face....glaring at them
hearing them talking
yes, talking
about my lifeless corpse

seeing the scars
noticing the blood
saying crude things

i float above
watching my body down below
they poke, make fun...

i stare at the self made scars
the blood
the red carpet that was once blue
noticing the small things

staring into the bathroom
while im laying in the tub
red water
red floor
red wrist
reb body

if only it were a dream
a good nightmare so to speak

it was
just in my sub-consciousness was it
a dream
that will never come true
unless if it deals with all that came from you

i realize what you said
saw what you meant
you want me to die?
so i will
its a promise to you

i walk into the bathroom
run the water,
you come
hit me
dragging me down into the heat

i cry out in pain
knowing ill never feel it again
you beat me
hit me
choke me
you leave me,
smirking

i sit in the tub,
grab the razor
slit and then
slip in and out of consciousness

my last thoughts were me thinking
'if only none of this had ever happened to me'

(22 June 05)