akram saqib

Rookie - 46 Points (14 APRIL / SAHIWAL)

///My heart bleeds

My heart bleeds
But face smiles
The tears tore eyes
But for a while
Love is strange phenomenon
O my friend
Cannot be concealed
With any guile

Submitted: Sunday, October 18, 2009
Edited: Sunday, October 25, 2009

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  • Rookie - 0 Points Rajkumar Mukherjee (10/20/2009 1:16:00 PM)

    Dear Akram,
    Thanks for your invite to read and comment on your poem 'my heart bleeds' which iI enjoyed.
    Its a lovely little poem with a nice message and almost perfect rhyming barring the two suggestion I feel like making to strengthen your appeal of the poem.
    1) In L5, you can remove 'phenomenon' which seems to be out of place.
    2) you can also change 'cannot' to 'can'i' more poetic use
    This will give a proper symmetrical rhyming of the poem in the format of 3-3 in all verses except one in 4-4 verses.
    I commented so much since I likrd the poem. Rated highly
    Rajkumar (Report) Reply

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