On Being Bipolar Part 1 Fear To Go Out Poem by Sylvia Lukeman

I have to get outside!
I'm going shopping to-day
I must
Trust myself to take things
From the supermarket shelves
without dropping things
stand in queues
Patiently.

BUT fear of ridicule
Is tangling my words
Making me stammer
And tangling my thoughts
keeping me and my fears,
invisible to others,
from being heard.

Physical pain
adds to the orchestra
of feelings
But proof of pain?
where is it?
my dead emotionless eyes?
my silent painful sighs?
but the doctors need lumps
and broken bones
an x -ray or two
to be able to hone in
on the problem.

But first I must get into the street
conquer the fear
of meeting
people
whether I know them or not.
I'm not important
why should they even be looking at me
Oh G-d I am walking
and I can hear footsteps
I look around
NO -ONE!
It is my own footsteps
that I can hear
Clearly....

clearly my hearing is good to-day
The volume is HIGH
but I am not!
Now I have forgotten
what I need in the shops. I walk past shelf after shelf
Cannot seem to see anything that I need
I clutch a packet of puffed wheat
I stand in the queue
I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE SHOP
Into the street

I can hear the loud silence
of the queue behind me
HOW MANY PAIRS OF EYES ARE WATCHING...
NORMAL PEOPLE WHATEVER they ARE!
Whilst I fumble
for the correct change
try to be helpful........
but to-day i have forgotten how to count

the coins chink in my hands.
I must stop fumbling,
give the cashier a note
I did try to place
all the right coins
in my hand for her
but it took longer
than giving her the wrong amount!

I had not planned this nightmare..
Ohhh I want to go home
want a mother to tuck me in bed
tell me everything will
be alright
I know there are people who are
physically ill
with illnesses whose very names
chill you to the bone,

but right now I am as ill in my mind
I too to take pills even had E.C.T.
BUT I WILL
get better
I want to be alone again

Please let me feel TALL again
don't want people to make me feel SMALL
again