Melissa Koeman

Rookie (29-01-1987 / Hoorn/the Netherlands)

The Fall


My sky is dark again
I’m tired of looking for sympathy
Tired of my life
Tired of this mad world
I want to leave this place
Just leave it all behind
I want to reach for a sunset
I want to reach for the stars in the sky
I just long to be in the diamond sky at night
I long for just that something more
Where is the life that I recognize?
I have to try to forget
Find a new occupation
I just got to leave this place
And head back to the future again
And get that one foot out of the past
That’s when I turn to say goodbye
And take the fall

Submitted: Thursday, December 01, 2005

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  • Rookie IT'S ME K.S.Z. (12/20/2005 9:54:00 AM)

    Your Poems have a way of making me feel your pain. Only a good poet can do that and with that being said, keep writing you are very good!

    Kevin (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Francis Curran (12/3/2005 4:45:00 AM)

    I LIKE THE INTROSPECTION. THERE ARE SOME VERY GOOD MEMORABLE LINES IN THIS POEM, IE My sky is dark again-in the diamond sky at night-And head back to the future again-get that one foot out of the past ETC. THE TONE IS VERY EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL, IT HAS A RAW EDGE TO IT THAT APPEALS TO ME. WHERE IT IS LET DOWN, IS IN THE METRE. THE FLOW OF THE POEM IS SLUGGISH AND WITH A CUT OR TWO COULD BE SOLVED EG..

    I want to reach for a sunset
    I want to reach for the stars in the sky
    I just long to be in the diamond sky at night

    I WANT TO REACH FOR A SUNSET
    TO GRAB AT THE STARS IN A DIAMOND SKY
    (YOU MENTION STARS SO DO NOT HAVE TO MENTION THE WORD NIGHT)

    I long for just that something more- THE WORD LONG IS TOO PASSIVE, YOU ARE DYING FOR CHANGE SO SHOULD USE A MORE EMOTIONAL WORD IE
    I'M SCREAMING OUT FOR SOMETHING MORE.
    WORDS SUCH AS LEAVE HEAD LACK THE URGENCY THAT YOU ARE FEELING REPLACE THEM WITH WORDS SUCH AS FLEE(ESCAPE) RUN INSTEAD OF HEAD. THE POEM HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL AND A FEW WORD CUTS OR CHANGES WILL BECOME A GREAT PIECE OF ART WITH SUBSTANCE AND DEPTH. HOPE YOU ARE NOT OFFENDED BY MY ADVISE OR OPINION, I DONT SEE THE POINT IN US FLATTERING EACH OTHER, WE WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW THE TRUE MERIT OF OUR WORK THEN. (Report) Reply

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