The Perfect Heart Poem by Adrian Cordova

'Why? Why me? Why this? Why couldn't you have come here before Perry? Before I was a streetwalker with a serious rage problem? Before I was broken? '- Night Shift, Lilith Saintcrow

I need an outing, something to calm my soul.
Every day I think about it, and it's killing the things around me.
I fight with my other side, the evil that still clings, it begges to end it's starvation, to allow myself to indulge.
Light cannot exist without darkness, and it's just the same backwards.
So how can a person filled with darkness be truly evil?
And how can a person filled with light be truly just?
No one has a perfect heart, it's an impossible dream, and yet I'm told by my best friend that I found a way to live with one.
And mabye I do, but if it's true, then you live without the reasurance of your own heartbeat.
You only feel it when you need to do something.
Two years ago was when I noticed it, the same night I found out about her.
Night and day seem to have no meaning to you, you will willing to risk everything to save someone.
You understand more, about people who live in hellholes, or drug addicts, or people who are dieing, the crippled and the whole; any kind of problem that theartens the equilibrium of ones life.
Since the night of truth I've felt the beat three times, once when my granmother's heart stopped.
That one was unbearable, I felt my/her heart stop for the most excruciating seconds of my life.
The next I have felt twice, I feel it in one I'm around a lot.
This one is something that I desire as well, when I'm with her I feel my own heartbeat alongside her own; or mabye the one I think is mine is someone else's…
This is not a gift from God.
It is the burden he bestows upon those who have turned their backs to him, but did not turn to others and still show signs (however small) of faith.
But if I am doing the work of God, doesn't that make me some kind of Seraphim?
And if I'm a Seraphim does that mean I'm guarenteed a spot in heaven?
If that is so, allow me a statment.
I don't want to go.
I don't care that heaven is the ultimate place of reward.
It seems futile to live your life to his rules, and then to break them all when you invite us to your domain.
But if your willing to, I'll trade my spot to another.
Someone that I think deserves that spot, but that you let stay in purgatory.
Her name is Alie.