The Tea Planter`slament Poem by archie langford

You ask me why I`m here, crying in me beer.
Humming this melancholy tune.
If you really want to know it began many years ago,
In India in a place called Shashapoon.

`Twas down a street of a Thousand Lanterns
Beneath the sign of the Grinning Bear,
There sat a small Chinese with knobbly knees,
One tooth and no hair.

Guarding the Hall of a Thousand Pleasures,
Where many a dubious hour was spent,
Owned by a German toff his name Hans Hoff,
A most untouchable gent.

Evil! He was worse, diabolically perverse,
His life was corruption and shame,
The all earth he would scour for young maids to deflower,
Then they`d all earn him brass on the game,

To my eternal disgrace I used to visit that place,
For decent human beings `twasn`t fit,
But there I met Milly a lovely young filly,
Daughter of Sir Charles Chewder-Titt.

It seems that German louse had, outside a Lyons Corner House,
Kidnapped her while she waited for a tram,
Then he made her serve his restaurant food, almost in the nude,
Because the customers liked nibbling breasts of lamb.

My god that girl had class, her eyes, her hair, her cheeks,
Small wonder that I fell in love with her
It was pretty plain to see she had no love for me,
By the way she used to treat me like a cur,

It broke my heart to see the Germans constant cruelty,
He did one thing to her I simply couldn`t stand
He would shout, “Mein Got mein got vot a lovely little bot”.
Then he`d slap her naked backside with his hand,

Her rear end became so sore she couldn`t stand any more, (or sit)
She asked me to help as a last resort,
She said if I helped to get free that she would marry me
Even though I was as ugly as a wart.

Well we left Shashapoon during the monsoon,
While the German slept we made our get away,
And with the minimum of fuss we caught a number eighteen bus
That took us down the road to Mandalay.

Well true to her word we were married at Watford,
But since then she`s been knocking me about,
How many times have I said, since that day that we got wed,
I wish I`d bloody left her with the kraut.