To Hold And To Have Poem by Hasan Haskovic

One writing
One letter with no recipient
Given to death at my doorstep
An answer to why I'm so ignorant
An excuse for all my sins
A reason for my lack of discipline

Oh, if you were here now
I'd be a coward, lower my head
But still, it'd beat like a thousand Suns
My heart, heavy as lead

My skin feels uncomfortable
On my burned flesh and bone
I'm merely made of Earth
Not of stone
I was meant to hold and to have
Not to be alone

It's hard
Being both a sinner and saint
Seeing the resemblance between you
And the eternal Moon
Making me faint
In your embrace, now lost without motive
Beyond perception, realization
I wasn't yet ready
I wasn't yet filled with hesitation

Criticize me, leaves upon the fire
The fuel upon the pyre
Of sadness
Of madness

Why must I seek remedy
In the darkest of places?
And it makes me shiver
These last traces
Of honesty I have

Of truth that I never knew

Before 'us'
Now just a solemn 'me'
You've won, haven't you?
Now you're free
While I'm restrained
While I'm in your hands

You'll never get to hear me
Will you?
I might be young,
But still storm-strung
In this chaos
That I promised I'll merely walk trough

Pat me on the back, smile
Because I need it now more than ever
Nothing is same after I've been left alone
Nothing even looks the same

Long gone, moved on
Do you know what I think of
Late in the night when you're gone?
The way I feel when I'm alone?

I've embraced the bottom
Long forgotten
Beaten, broken
Thrown away and rotten

At least I have faith to stand upon
A stone where my sadness was born
You
A boulder I could never move
A God I could never pray to

You
In all your magnificence
You
A masterpiece I could never bring
To realization

To emancipation
Of me
And of you

God, I wish my dreams were true
God, I wish I never pushed through