Totally Lost Poem by Gert Strydom

I

With someone new to adore,
you are constantly
haunting me
as if at times you can penetrate through death
but sometimes I know that I am fabricating it
and for years you are out of my life
but sometimes I cannot get you out of my thoughts
before you jump into my heart again
as if you are not peaceful
on the other side
and in my sorrow and in life's coldness
I am stranded here
and you find no kind of relief
in the late night's big silence.

II

In the late night's big silence
my thoughts are at times with you,
while the big separation brings a chill
while I keep clinging to memories.
You are much too far from me
and your whole humanity
cannot stay here,
and it appears at times when I read your old letters,
when you are like a flower to me
that could grow in the earth of my soul
but death has divided us
and untimely you were pruned away in your prime
and still your absence cuts through me like a raw cry,
sometimes it's much better not to know about you.

III

Sometimes it's much better not to know about you,
to totally wipe out that which was between us
to forget the memories and passion
as if nothing had been
to cause your presence to eternally fade away,
to let each memory slowly pine away,
to stop me from daring in my dreams
to search for you to appear
and I am in a world where yours are divided from mine,
where I have got to keep to the here and now,
where I have to know that we are in separate places
and I am aware of this reality
that destiny cruelly rips lives apart with her claws;
my whole world was where you went

IV

My whole world was where you went
and in you I found my rest and joy
while you were with me as my darling
but life had devoured it far too suddenly
while my existence was anchored to you,
while our things was limitless deep
and we both were trusting on God
while now alone I search for answers,
where without you I see a new tomorrow,
while suddenly pain cuts unexpectedly through me
and I in despair try to cling
to the little that remain of you
and forever we are separate from each other,
you are buried in your coffin and I know sorrow.

V

You are buried in your coffin and I know sorrow
and no stranger asks about you or walks past,
there are people dressed in black
everywhere in the church around me
and everyone is disenchanted
where they are mourning
and it's as if nothing can break through the darkness
that appears about you a pretty girl, already a woman
and suddenly the minister starts talking at the front,
the sexton walks to the back and asks: 'who is lying here? '
his voice resounds through the whole church
and he gets no answer.
The service passes much too quickly;
I feel like I can fight against God.

VI

I feel like I can fight against God,
I cannot really know,
why some people lead longer lives
and for others life is measured out into darkness,
still less I know for what I am searching,
something stays just out of my reach
as if it is involved with the things that are happening
and just when I look it's already gone,
it's just beyond the bright blue
as if I am living with an incomplete purpose
where I am almost seeing it, it's almost in my thoughts
but I cannot see or feel it
and I know that something terrible is wrong,
where everything eventually becomes chaos.

VII

Where everything eventually becomes chaos,
where the whole world are waiting on disintegration,
I wonder what makes me languish
for new life, for the rain that pours down?
What lets me hope that very soon
a glorious age, a glorious day will appear
on the other side of the dark night
while everything around me with time collapses?
Now I hope to have someone else again,
that your life and hours of pain disappear
and again I want to begin with someone anew,
while I stay trusting that the answers lie in the hands of God,
while I believe that the sun will shine on me again
with someone new to adore.