Why Do You Question My Intention? Poem by CHARMAINE SIMPSON

Why do you question my every intention?
Why do you not trust in the long-standing foundations that we have built?
I once gave to you proof, of the friendship you now so obviously hold in doubt.
This gift to you was a material form of what I felt from within,
It was my heart put into words, as this is my most honest, and true feeling,
That which I can express, and share my inner self, through my creative form.

This was part of myself I gave to you, and to our friendship.
It was a mark of permanence, in which I placed with you.
You now doubt my actions, and intentions toward you.
This I can only interpret, as you undervalue my gift to you.

I find myself left with few true people in my life,
This is my choice, as I have always given my whole self, openly and, Completely to those friendships that will stay in my heart for a lifetime.
Therefore I hold no reserve, there are no walls, and I leave myself open,
Open to share whom I am inside, and open to feel what I am given in return.

What is true in your heart should hold no guilt, no envy, or manipulation,
There should be no feeling of intent or expectation.
I am sorry if you have felt any of these negative emotions out of my actions.
I am also sad that what you see of me is a picture of smug superiority.
If this is whom you see– why are you not looking at me?

If I am failing you as a friend right now I can only try to explain
Sometimes in this struggle I call life, walls seem to close in all around me,
Until there is a sensation of suffocating – no air to breathe – It gets worse-
The floor is then pulled out from underneath my feet,
Now I start sinking, quickly.
There is not a thing to reach out and hold on to – I am drowning.

I have now only to look at my struggle and question myself quietly
Why am I here again?
Why- when I should of already learnt these simple lessons?
I am able to see the few I love reaching out to guide me to safety,
I cannot take your hand and bring you into this place that I have created,
I choose not to, as I need to overcome my own personal struggle for worth.
Why do you convict me when my intention is only to save my own self?

If you are unable to stand by and watch me battle my lifelong demons,
I totally respect your choice, your friendship, or loyalty, I will never judge.
There was once a road that you took as part of your journey in life,
I held out my hand and offered you my friendship with no conditions,
You my friend did what your heart told you to do –

You continued on your path toward self-discovery, and self-destruction alone.
This choice you firmly believed to be out of respect and value
For what we have shared.
I did not question – nor doubt your intention –
I trusted in the lifetime we shared.
When you became lost in your confinement,
Was your withdrawal and isolation purely for the purpose of clouding my View, for me to then doubt and judge your true intent.?

Is this why you question my similar display of actions?
You say I am too afraid to look at you and see myself reflected there.
I have never run from or turned away from whom I am,
I see all of me,
Including the bits I choose not to regurgitate back into my present.
I do not need to relive mistakes that have been lived, learned and filed.
Never forgotten! – they make me who I am –
I believe in one part of myself - If not any other –
And that is I never doubt in what I am to those I love and care for.
As my friend I will promise you a lifetime of loyalty and all that I am complete.

You will always be part of my history – part of my life that I can never replace
A part I would never want to replace –
I was unaware of what, and whom you see,
Who it is you see in me –
I must then see a distorted picture of my own self –
I see from the inside out,
Viewing my reality with attachment to my feelings in my heart,
Maybe this is what blurs what I can see?
Or maybe it is you - who stands looking from the outside making judgment,
Based upon your view?
What you see is merely my material body –
You have shown me with your words, you do not see what is inside of my soul
This is whom I am because this is where my emotion and my eternal life exist
I hope one day my friend that you allow yourself to know the person that is me..

January 2006