hasmukh amathalal

Gold Star - 19,895 Points (17/05/1947 / Vadali, Dist: - sabarkantha, Gujarat, India)

With Her Presence

I stood motionless
With sullen and worried face
She was there in grave
Love, beautiful and brave

I visit her daily
To feel close and really
She whispers in ears
Alley her fears

'Are you really happy'?
She anxiously asks with worry
'Yes, but not in reality'
I miss you in totality

I met an early fate
Feel bad to relate
I sense about peace
You be at an ease please

I forcefully stop tears
But very difficult to bear
Her absence
I weep the face

Are you crying?
She is inquiring
No, no I am alright
I am moved slight

I place fresh flowers
With fragrance to offer
Show to her with assurance
That I am pleased with her presence

Submitted: Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Edited: Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Topic of this poem: poem

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  • Gold Star - 19,895 Points Mehta Hasmukh Amathalal (7/23/2014 2:58:00 AM)

    mournful and sincere but needs something more

    Keith Faherty16 minutes ago
    the emotions are real but the peice itself is suffering from cliche` format and phrasing. the rhyme scheme hurts the message as many of the rhyme couplets are too expectable and others, too forced and out of place. in general it is very hard to convey important, especially personal feeling emotion in a tight verse. try to loosen it up and use very unique and personal ways to express ideas that easily fall into phrases that are too convenient or overused. practice expressing even the smallest and simplest of ideas in a way that only you can- a way that you can feel no one has ever used the same expression before.
    Comment +1

    Hasmukh MehtaLess than a minute ago
    that is beauty of poem... (Report) Reply

  • Gold Star - 19,895 Points Mehta Hasmukh Amathalal (7/23/2014 2:38:00 AM)

    a poem of always

    Alan Green 'Guppyman'2 minutes ago
    the poet tells of the power that is of thier chosen faith for a love everlasting (Report) Reply

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