2020 Poem by neon rowles

When I'm gone? If I go.
Imagining a life without me.
Would I be missed?
Would people disagree?
I should of stayed for my family.
The family that they judged so viciously when I were here.
They are young, only person to blame would be me.
If I go, I can set them free? Or.. would this be selfish of me?
Do I want to leave on this cold and windy night?
Shall I disappear or do they need me?
Am I a bad mother or just trying my best?
Have I let myself go or just focused on the rest?
Am I independent or following family trends?
Is this the end?
Could I be better?
Could it get any worse?
Who do I trust?
Who do I love?
Do I have any self worth?

Why have I trapped myself in my home, because of a virus that could do the thing to me I crave all alone?
My wall is crumbling, it's terrible news,
exposed are all the pain, scars, bruises to my soul.
The soul I need to protect and value, but I no strength to build the surrounding and 2020 is battering and pounding.
Can I reach out or will be told I'm too weak?
Will I be told to toughen up, to get off my knees?
If I was brought up to stand could I hold my own...
or will I crumble again with each verbal abuse, with each comment or look or passing remark.
Nothing to you but leaves a hole in my heart.

Can I carry on for the sake of my kids?
Can I help them to be everything I'm not?
Or am I bringing them in to my vision of self doubt?
I don't know who I am and I can't be who I want to be, so do I stay here and make them suffer or do I set them free?