A Rainy City Poem by Lazarus Knix
A Rainy City
A siren echoes
Over the rains
Continuous sigh-
Imprisoned in a constant
Ascending,
To Descending,
Pitch.
I unconsciously
Inhale,
Exhale,
Than hold a breath
To hear my heartbeat
Over birdsong.
The generators
Steady hum-
A melody
Of electricity.
Meanwhile,
An unobtainable silence
Lies buried beneath the Earth’s
Ambition.
Commendable work, Lazarus. The work has mellifluous movement throughout. You paint a vivid drape of morosity, and the depressive mood that more than 70% of us supposedly suffer from in various degree, on a gaunt rainy day. Two observations that you might want to take a second look at...Otherwise....fine work, especially considering your novice status.Good Luck! Stanza 1/Lines 5 & 6...No need for commas...same thought....Also, the word(to) in the 6th line eliminates the need for commas. Stanza 2/Line 3...Did you want it to read breathe, or BREATH? tThe latter would be my choice. FjR
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5/10/2024 5:20:08 PM # 1.0.0.1119
'a melody of electricity', 'an unobtainable silence'- these are just a few of the beauties in here. I like the dark drapes too (smile) . Patti