Aiyabells 002


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'Luke- -' tatayo pa lang ako kaso tinanggal niya yung basa niya ng shirt at umakyat na rin siya sa kama at tinulak ako pahiga at muli ay siniil niya nanaman ang labi ko ng mararahas na halik. Nagpupumitlag ako at pilit siyang tinutulak pero kinuha niya ang mga kamay ko at pinatong sa may kamay sa level ng ulo ko habang iniipit niya ito ng mga kamay niya para hindi ko maigalaw.

Patuloy pa rin siya sa paghalik sakin kaya naman sinusubukan kong umiling iling ng ulo para makaalpas sa labi niya, 'Ano ba- hmmm! Luke- -hmm! ! Stop it! '


Pati binti ko nakaipit sa mga binti niya kaya hindi talaga ako makagalaw at makaalpas sa kanya. Bumitaw siya sa mga labi ko at bumaba ang mga labi niya sa may leeg ko at pinupol ito ng halik. Naiinis, nalulungkot, nagagalit, nasasaktan, nadidisappoint at kung anu anong emosyon na nararamdaman ko kaya sa huli dahil na rin sa halo halong emosyon nauwi na lang ako sa pagtulo ng mga luha ko... tahimik na umiyak na lang ako kasi kahit magsisigaw ako hindi naman ako pinapakinggan ni Luke, hindi na rin ako nagpumitlag pa dahil wala rin naman mangyayari. I just lay there like a doll as he 'do' me.

Napansin niya na rin sigurong hindi na ako pumipitlag kaya binitawan niya na ang kamay ko at nagtuon naman ang pansin niya sa blouse ko at unti unting ina-unbutton ito.

We already did it before afterall 5yrs na rin naman kaming magboyfriend-girlfriend noon eh, sabi pa nga niya sakin na konti pang panahon at pag nasa tamang edad na daw kami ay yayain niya na daw akong magpakasal. Sa highschool lang naman kami nagkakilala ni Luke at nauwi kami sa pagmamahalan... grabe, akala ko noon magiging masaya kaming dalwa sa huli, akala ko talaga na 'konting panahon' na lang mayayaya niya na akong magpakasal pero yung 'konting panahon' na yun naging 'hindi na darating kahit kelan'.


He continues to kiss and touch my body, nagawa niya ng mai-unbutton ang lahat ng butones ng blouse ko. Bakit nagkaganto kami? Bakit nauwi yung sana happily ever after namin sa ganto ganto na lang? When I first did 'it' with him, it was also here... in the same room and in this same bed. It saddens me that he's not even respecting that memory anymore and he's now doing the same thing to me but without love and is forced.


Naramdaman kong lumayo siya sa may katawan ko at umangat para tanggalin ang belt ng pantalon niya, gagawin niya talaga kahit ayaw ko? Kahit labag sa kalooban ko? This is same as raping me. This pains me a lot.: (

Hindi ko na kaya, ng hindi umaalis sa posisyon ko ay inabot ko ang unan sa may itaas ko at tinakip ito sa mukha ko at habang nakatakip ang unan sa mukha ko at binabasa ito ng luha ay nagsalita ako, 'Kung papanindigan mong gawin ito sakin kahit labag sa kalooban ko, hihingi na ako sayo ng pabor... pede gawin mo na lang ito pag nakatulog na ako? Yung kung kelan hindi kita makikita o maiisip? Please let me sleep first, I want to escape this reality.'


Hindi ko na kasi kaya eh, ang sakit sakit lang na ginagawa ito ng taong hanggang ngayon mahal na mahal ko pa rin.


Habang umiiyak ako sa unan na nakatakip sa mukha ko ay nakarinig na lang ako ng bagay na parang hinagis at tumama sa kung saan, siguro sa pader pero basta may malakas na impact dahilan para makarinig ako ng pagkabasag ng isang bagay at pagtanggal ko ng unan na nakatakip sakin ay nakita kong sa may kanang bahagi ng kwarto ay may basag na alarm clock doon. Hinagis niya?

Tumingin ako sa kanya ng may pagtataka pero mas lalo lang akong nagtaka nung makita kong yung palad niya ay nasa may noo niya habang yung daliri niya ay nakasabunot sa may dulo ng buhok niya habang nakapikit siya pero maya maya rin ay mumulat siya at nagtagpo ang mga tingin namin. Tinitigan niya lang ako tapos maya maya tumaas ang kamay niya at akmang susuntok, napapikit ako kasi akala ko ako ang susuntukin niya pero yun pala ay sa gilid ko lang. Ang lapit niya sakin, yung isa niyang braso ay nakadantay sa gilid ko habang yung isa niyang kamay ay patuloy na sumusuntok sa isa ko pang gilid sa kama, hindi siya nakatingin sakin at nakayuko lang siya as he continues to curse.

'L-luke...' nagtataka kasi ako sa bigla bigla niyang inaasal. Tumigil siya sa pagsuntok sa may kama at iniangat ang tingin sakin, hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko na nagpapitlag sakin ng konti dahil sa bigla at takot pero marahan niya lang hinawakan ang pisngi ko at gamit ang hinlalaki niya ay pinunasan niya ang luha sa pisngi ko.


'I'm sorry Reena, I think I'm going insane... I didn't mean to hurt you, it's just that I want you badly...' tapos pinatong niya yung noo niya sa noo ko, ang lapit ng mukha namin sa isa't isa and I can smell the alcohol not because he's drunk but because I threw it to him awhile ago. Habang nakapatong ang noo niya, he looks at me straight into my eyes and I felt a tear fell on my cheek, 'I miss you. Please come back to me.'


Right then and there, I saw in his eyes the old Luke I used to know... the guy I loved and still love.This is so depressing.


***
- MEMO CLARKSON'S VOICE -
(Author's note: Memo Clarkson if you can remember is Momo's big brother and I have a certain story in the future dedicated to him so Im inserting scenes that will give hints for his future story. It might confuse you now but just let it be, you'll understand it once I post his story in the future. *u*)


'Checkmate.' I move the white horse of my chessboard and it's my turn again but for the side of the black pieces... I have to save the black pieces 'coz they have their king checkmated.


While I was on the process of playing, someone intruded my house...


'FISHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! '


'Argh.' napaface palm ako habang nakaupo sa may sahig ng sofa sa tapat ng mini table na pinaglalaruan ko, that same familiar irritating voice. Sigurado na akong siya yan, siya lang tumatawag sakin ng kung hindi 'fishy' ay 'isda' o kung hindi iyon ay 'nemo'. How many times do I have to tell her that my name is MEMO and not NEMO? The F is wrong with her. Argh.


'Hoy isda! ' ayan na nga siya, nakatayo na sa tapat ko at nakapameywang.

'If I'm a fish, why am I not in the water? And fishes don't talk.' I said in a cold tone as I stand up to fix my chessboard, I can't play a game alone if there's a noisy girl around. That distracts me A LOT.


'Well, you're a talking fish then! ' she insists. Argghhh.

'What do you want? '

'What happened to your little sister? I heard she's leaving? And about Syntax Error? And also Runaway? And those controversies? I saw her in tv! ' galit na sabi niya.

'So? What's the big deal? '

'What's the big deal? I don't know the real story but I'm 99% sure that something is not going right, that she's undergoing a disaster right now! And my insticts say you are guilty of all of these, ' she points her finger to me, accusing.

Binaba ko yung daliri niya, 'Don't point your finger to others, that's bad manner.'

Tinalikuran ko na siya at aakyat na sana ng kwarto ko pero nabigla ako ng higitin niya ako sa braso paharap ulit sa kanya at dahil dun nabitawan ko yung chessboard ko at naglaglagan ang chess pieces sa sahig.


'STOP MANIPULATING OTHERS! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO PLAY WITH THEIR LIVES! YOU'RE NOT IN A GAME, THEY ARE NOT CHESS PIECES FOR YOU TO PLAY WITH! '

'Shut up! ' balik sigaw ko sa kanya. She's right, I did do something. I personally gave Runaway's manager details about Iris and Momo so he can ruin Sync like what he wanted to happen, I also gave him the ideas of using Iris and especially Momo knowing she had this undying love for Sync. It might not have been the best results I've been expecting to happen but maybe having the band disbanded and Sync disappearing as well as Momo leaving... is not really a bad move, I still have ideas for this game, it's not yet finished. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your chess pieces to save the King.

Maybe in a drastic position but as long as my Queen and King pieces are still alive, the game is not yet over.


'You shut up! ' nilapitan niya ako at tinulak tulak sa dibdib, 'Ano ngayon? Sa laro mong ito ay talo ka ngayon, at alam mo kung anong itinalo mo? Buhay ng kapatid mo! Your little sister Momo! How can you possibly think of doing this even to her? When will you stop manuevering other people's lives? They are not chess pieces, stop playing with their lives.'

Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinawakan siya sa may leeg niya na parang sasakalin pero hindi mahigpit ang hawak ko, I look at her coldly and say, 'They all are chess pieces. You, as well, is a chess piece.'


'You are so cold, Memo.'


***
- MOMOXHIEN CLARKSON'S VOICE -

- - - - - - - - -
To Momo,

No more hi or hello's, those words will be very unappropriate for a goodbye later.

I am not really good with words neither with actions... ohwell, I guess I'm a good for nothing. But I would really want to convey what I feel right now through this letter, and I guess to convey also those words left unsaid.

So I would get this straight already... first and foremost, I am sorry. No, they are not enough, I know. I hurt you for who knows how many times even if the only thing you did was to love me so 'sorry' is just a plain useless word but still I'd say it like a broken record player and will never get tired of saying it even if annoys you already because I AM REALLY SORRY OF WHAT I HAVE DONE.

I feel so stupid right now to not have noticed you eversince, I believed a liar like Iris instead of believing someone true like you. I fell inlove with someone who doesn't love me and ignore the person who truly loves me. Then I treated you like a trash when you treated me like a treasure, I now realise how mean I was and even I, can't forgive myself for that. Especially now that I know your importance to my life.

Funny, when you were there by my side I just ignore you but when you were already gone, I keep on looking for you. At first I thought, I was just used to your presence that's why I'm looking for you but day passed and I can't stand not seeing nor hearing your voice and that's just when I realised that... I kinda feel something for you already.

I'm not sure of what I feel right now. I don't want to repeat the same mistake of telling you I love you when it wasn't even true so right now I'll just tell you that you are special to me and I'll keep hanging on in this feeling because it feels great but it'll feel greater if you'll just forgive me but I know that's impossible but hey, it sounds fair right? That before I pushed you away when you love me, now it's your turn to push me away now that I feel something for you already. Atleast this way I'll know how much you have suffered being pushed away by the person you love.

I want you to be happy and I don't want you taking revenge and using your beautiful voice to a not so good reason... I like your voice, no let me correct that, your voice is a voice that will leave a listener voiceless. So please sing for a happy reason like you always do, okay? In compensation, I quit in the band and I left. You won't see me again and I won't cause you pain anymore... I won't try to forget you, I'll take you as a lesson... I would never take a person for granted anymore because I'll never knew if that person will mean to me in the future.


Forgive me Momo, I regret everything.

Please be happy, Momo. That's all I want now after making you cry.
I wish you find that person that will make you happy and will never ever take you for granted, your selfless love deserves someone way way better than me.


Please be happy, please.


- Sync

- - - - - - - - -



Anytime pede ng mapunit itong letter dahil basang basa na ito ng mga luha kong kanina pang tumutulo habang binabasa itong sulat niya.

'Bestfriend, tahan na oh, ' pati si Aila naiiyak na rin dahil sakin. Nagkaayos na kami, hindi naman daw ako matitiis ni Aila atsaka sabi niya hindi niya daw ako magagawang iwan sa gantong panahon na dumadanas ako ng paghihirap. At nagpapasalamat ako sa kanya kasi kung pati siya mawawala sa tabi ko, sino na lang iiyakan ko? Sino lang lalabasan ko ng mga nararamdaman ko? All I need right now is a friend's shoulder to cry on.


Alam niya na rin ang tungkol sa nangyari sa Syntax Error at nalungkot din siya dito. Inaasahan kong makakarinig ng mga sumbat sa kanya tulad ng 'sinabi ko na sayo' o kaya 'pinigilan kita pero anong ginawa mo' pero miski isang sumbat ay wala akong natanggap sa kanya. Inintindi ako ni Aila at dahil dun lalo akong naiiyak, I'm a bad person and I deserve a bad treatment but it's the other way around kaya lalong naguguilty ako sa mga ginawa ko.


Nung galit ako hindi ko naiisip ang mga possibilites, wala akong pakelam nun sa mga pedeng mangyari, basta sarado lang ang isipan ko at ang gusto ko lang gawin nun ay ang maghiganti para mapawi ang sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Pero ngayong nakita na ng mga mata ko ang resulta ng ginawa ko, unti unting nalulusaw ang galit sa aking puso at napapaltan ng matinding pagsisisi at kalungkutan.


Hindi kasi ako nakinig, nagpadala ako sa galit katulad ng sabi sa hula. Pero kung titignan hindi naman ito nangyari dahil sa hula kundi dahil din sakin. Hindi ako kontrolado ng kung anumang hula kundi kontrolado ko ang sarili ko kaya nasa saakin ang lahat ng paraan para mapigilan mangyari ang hula pero in the end mas pinili ko pa ring mangyari ito. Nagpadaig ako sa galit at ngayong nalusaw na ang galit ko sa puso, saka ko lang napagtanto na... mahal ko pa rin siya, nasaktan lang ako masyado at natakpan lang ito ng galit pero deep down... mahal ko pa rin talaga siya... mahal na mahal.



At ngayon wala na siya, this time it's not him who pushed me away... it's me who pushed him away, away from me.


***

Nagdaan ang ilang araw, napagdesisyunan ko ng mag-quit na rin sa bandang Runaway at nag-drop out na rin ako sa school dahil sinabi ko na sa parents ko na ipagpapatuloy ko na lang ang pag-aaral ko sa may London kung saan andun ang mga grandparents ko at ipagpapatuloy ko na lang din ang pag-aaral pagkapanganak ko na rin. Hindi ko rin naman kasi makakayanang pumasok sa school na may lobong tiyan at sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon parang hindi ko ata makakayanan na madagdagan pa ito ng sakit na mararamdaman ko sa mapangutyang mata ng mga tao at sa mga sasabihin nilang masasakit na salita.

Ang hirap ng mundo, ang hirap mabuhay kaya kung hindi ka magpapakatatag... talo ka.


Bago ako nagpaalam ay nakipagkita muna ako kay Kevin, sa lalaking alam kong kagaya ko - -na nagmamahal ng taong pinagtutulakan lang pero kahit ganun ay patuloy pa rin niyang minamahal. Parehas lang kami ni Kevin pero ayokong parehas din kami ng kahihinatnan, ayokong ulitin kay Kevin ang nangyari sakin. Tama na ang isang tao na lang ang makaramdam ng gantong sakit.

Submitted: Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Edited: Wednesday, February 26, 2014

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