After Dean Dooling's Heart Attack Poem by Charles Chaim Wax

Sprinoza HS descended
rapidly into utter chaos.
During the third week after his demise
ten students were transferred into my Drama class.
“Are you interested in the theater? ” I asked each one.
“They put me here” was the response.
I immediately went to Mattie Trachtenberg, the Guidance Counselor.
“What’s going on? ” I asked.
“We’ve got a crises here, Bernstein,
so Principal Von Wiggens has decided to isolate disruptive students
by placing them in classes
which will allow these special young people to flourish.”
“What about the teachers? ”
“You’re the only Buddhist in the building.”
I thought that an odd remark
but let it pass saying only,
“Well, yes,
but Conrad Kaiser barks like a dog.
What am I supposed do? ”
“Let him play Lassie.”
“The lad needs treatment! ”
“Has he barked like a pit bull yet? ”
“Who knows? I’m not an expert on canine cries
a pit bull or a poodle it’s all the same to me.”
“If he did the pit bull you’d know.
Any other difficulties? ”
“Lovely Casimir never wears a bra.”
“How do you know? ”
“Biggest breasts I’ve ever seen.”
“Never stare.”
“Monique Castor wears dentures.”
“What has that got to do with anything? ”
“Every so often she takes ‘em out because she says they hurt.
The class goes wild.”
“We’re all suffering.”
“Immaculee Cashew is pregnant.”
“Is that a problem? ”
“She’s in the ninth month. Everybody wants to rub her belly.
I can’t get ‘em to concentrate on learning lines.”
“Do improvisations.”
“Bibi Bisnath is gonna cut Chaundra Bussey. I’m sure of it.”
“Why? ”
“Why do you think? Chaundra stole Bibi’s boyfriend.
Can’t you transfer one out? ”
“Into Giles Swan’s class? I don’t think so.”
“He’s fully recovered from his mental breakdown.”
“Really? ”
“Seems like it to me.”
“Master Clarke put a thumbtack on Swan’s seat.
He sat down straight on it, without a peep.”
“I don’t get the point? ”
“The point, Bernstein, is that the thumbtack
spent the entire day stuck up his ass
because his medication is so powerful
the man has become immune to pain,
and thereafter the wound became infected.
The upshot being he cannot employ
his left buttock for sitting.
Did you ever try to rest on only one buttock,
be it the right or left?
So, when Master Clarke comes into
your class tomorrow check your seat.”
“He’s coming in? ”
“Just thought I’d mention it. Oh, by the way, Debrachristian Romero is coming in also.”
“What’s wrong with her? ”
“She’s wants to be an actress.”
“At last! ”
“Doesn’t speak a word of English..”
“She’ll do Mime, ” I sighed.
Mattie Trachtenberg stared at me.
I waited, perhaps for the next revelation
which I would have to deal with.
Then: “How come you didn’t stay Jewish? ”
Of course, I was shocked
and really didn’t know what to say
given the previous conversation
but her eyes
so yearning
so said: “Couldn’t breathe
then I could
but can’t say why
I came to his breath
only that I did.”