Confession Poem by Gert Strydom

First above all things I have tried to regard God
did try and fix this in my behaviour
and will bow down before no one else
but to the Lord God on whose coming I do wait.

A worldwide church treated me
as if I am busy with hellish whoring,
as if I wanted to get any innocent woman into bed,
as if I was a threat to everyone
and had only to slap my fingers

as if I do despise God
and every higher official above me,
do not have any respect for authority
and with this my life was torn to pieces
as a human being no one of them did regard me,

where never I tried to get involved in any relationship
with any woman at the office
although one did act like a prostitute,
as if she had a hellish illness I did avoid her
but very true I did remain and tried to keep my integrity
and no sexual illness has ever infected me.

Where no woman did really want to stay with me
and here I do talk about a world of hurt
where my tears do oceans fill
and in any case it's no one's business
who I do court.

With gossip stories they did surround my world,
saw me as a kind of threat,
wanted to make money,
where I did only try to have an own life
and they tried to break me off
like a flower at the stem.

My money dried up
and from my debts I was not free
and people did liberate my career from me
with their acts and words,
did make sure that I do remain unemployed
as if for something of which I do not know
they were trying to take retaliation.

Sometimes I tried to bring change with my poems
as if with a Moses-staff with thunder
I did want to jump out,
to fix things at the best that I could
but many times it did lead to my own humiliation

where the truth and their own words and confessions
were seen as hatred-speech
and some of the resistance came
from the jealousy of others
to make my life hell
but where at times my life did come to a standstill
and people did not even regard the things that I do
more and more I did get involved into my own poetry.

Unemployed for years
I did work for free for others,
was brave and heroic against the hardship and disdain,
did decide that in this way I could serve the Lord God
and I had lost my friends and they were amiable
in a pasted-on way.

One man at the local church went out of his way
to pay me for some work
as if he does really understand
but others treated me openly with contempt
and so my life does continue
where I have never been a beggar
and will never be
and still less is toady for some one or something.

I wanted my poems to stand like monuments,
as great poems that do continue to eternity
and still I am trying to find that one right poem
while I do write many.

Still in life I do remain an adventurer,
someone that is searching for much more
than just the here and now
and where in my writings I do cry and laugh
please do tolerate me
where I am trying to celebrate humanity

and everything that I can
I try to experience,
do lurch into a world and its things
but life is but a dark way
in which we do strife to greater unseen things

where the laughter and the crying,
good and bad things
and love do sometimes come and go
but at such times God does guide the way...

© Gert Strydom