Confessions Of The Pope Poem by Brian Mayo

From the Desk of Pope Francis
March,2014

To whom it may concern:

I understand many Catholics are shocked and outraged by my recent revelation.
Yes, it's true- -when I was a young priest back in Argentina, I reached into an open casket and pried the rosary from a fellow priest's cold, lifeless hand. Listen, I know that sounds bad, but in my defense, I only had to use a LITTLE force; it's not like he had it in a death-grip, or anything.

Look, I'm a human being, no different than you. I put on my robe one sleeve at a time- -just like everyone else (unless I'm in a hurry) . It's important that folks don't put me on a pedestal. I want to be seen as a regular Joe. You didn't see Jesus going around acting all high and mighty and dammit, I won't either!

Okay, stealing the rosary was bad, I'll admit, but Hell, I've done a lot worse. I've swiped all sorts of stuff: jewel-encrusted chalices, candlesticks- -I've even stolen a few cars!

Man, it feels good to get this off my chest! I probably should've confessed all this to someone YEARS ago! Let's see… what else? Oh yeah- -I pushed an old lady down and snatched her purse two days after completing Divinity School. Don't be alarmed! She wasn't hurt. And I barely got away with enough for a six-pack of Michelob and a tin of cigarettes. A pretty measly haul, I think you'll agree!

Things improved for me a bit later. I realized I could sew enormous, hidden pockets inside my frock, enabling me to pilfer just about anything I wanted. I once used this method to conceal ten cassette tapes, a bong, and a rolled-up poster of Jimi Hendrix- -I strolled right out of Spencer's Gifts- -no one noticed a damn thing!

Look, I don't have to steal anymore- -I finally have enough. Please don't worry about any of the Vatican treasures by which I find myself surrounded. I'm not even tempted… Besides, half this stuff could go missing tomorrow and I doubt any one would even notice…

Signed,
Pope Francis
(for life, chumps)