How To Write A Poem Poem by Brian Mayo

Hi,

I've been asked to provide some clear, easy-to-understand tips on writing poetry- -tips that anyone can use to start producing first-rate poems in as little as five minutes. Ready? Let's go!

How to Write a Poem:

First, have a good idea.
This is terribly important.
Take the Pet Rock, for example- -good idea, right?
Right!
Try for something clever like that.
Naturally, some ideas are better than others.
Say you want to write a poem about a bear…
Seems like a good idea… right?
Not so fast.
What color is the bear?
If you said 'white, ' then you are correct, and have a good idea for a poem.
If you said 'brown, ' then you are a moron and should immediately relinquish any notions of writing poetry; you just don't 'get it.'

Another important rule to remember:
Make sure your poem isn't stupid.
Many inexperienced poets will fall into this trap.
How will you know if you're writing a stupid poem, you ask? ? ?
Hey, if you don't know, I'm not telling you- -but here's one tip: read your poem aloud to the cat in a really loud, annoying voice; This won't tell you anything about your poem, per se, but it will be a good indication of your own personal stupidity.

See how easy this is?

Here's a helpful tip- -think of your poem as a birthday cake.
Now you must decorate it with colorful, fancy words to impress your guests.
But be careful which words you select…
Many words are unpalatable.
You may be tempted to use words like 'jitney' or 'unfettered.'
This would be a mistake.
Words like these will stop a poem dead in its tracks.

Other words to avoid:
Quidnunc.
Effervescent.
Credenza.
Fork

Conversely, some words are so poetic they can salvage all but the worst of efforts.
Here are a few examples of words virtually anyone can use which are certain to enhance any poem:
Relinquish.
Gumshoe.
Virtually.
Bermuda.
Try saying these words aloud.
Did you notice how happy your lips and tongue became?

Okay- -you're almost ready!

Final tip:
Never finish your poem without adding these two important words: The End.
It's important to put them just below the last line, so that readers will know your poem is done.
Never, EVER, put them in the middle of your poem.

Okay, I think you're ready. I hope you found these pointers helpful and enlightening.

The End.

Oh, and good luck.
(Copy and refer to this tip-sheet until memorized.)