Treasure Island

Mandi June

(10-17-81 / Fort Worth, Texas)

Darkness


The night; so quiet, so obscure
My thoughts are always seared
By remnance of the unforeseen
And all that I have feared
The evil that invades my dreams
Of which I have no proof
Opens up a dark, cold place
Where no one knows the truth.

Submitted: Saturday, October 29, 2011
Edited: Friday, November 11, 2011

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  • Connor Whyte (1/1/2013 8:54:00 PM)

    For when things become hard to see then let the darkness cover you,
    Great work short and easy to read, Really haunting to be left in darkness with no sound or soul around (Report) Reply

  • Aaron Graham (11/9/2012 3:44:00 AM)

    Hey, sorry it took me so long to comment on your work as I had intended,
    So, formally I like what you have going here (was this by any chance the beginnings of an Itallian Sonnet's octet at some point in the past?) Regardless, you have some strong iambic constructions in the first few lines. The night; so quiet, so obscure the metrics (here tetrameter) work so well with the language you use the resonance you get with al the unstressed syllables ending in what become muted long vowels. so..so, ob- ob being stressed here works well to create some underlying motion in the verse-as the o is a leading vowel it pulls the two trailing o's form of so so across the line. Where it resolves into the unstressed romantic -ure to go softer and finish the foot. We then get some tetrameter My- Thoughts- are-al-ways-seared/ and back to tetrameter By-Rem-nants-of-the -un-fore-seen. I have the feeling you're not concerned with metrics but are working from an enjambment system to get uniform line lengths, which is totally fine and works well. Its just interesting how unintentionally your creative voice begins to break into metric patterns relating to the subject matter of the poem. So you can try to take advantage of the metrical pattern you have here, or obscure it further to make it more ethereal. Either way good work! I'll be looking at more of your stuff soon.

    Best,

    Aaron (Report) Reply

  • Saadat Tahir (5/10/2012 4:59:00 PM)

    a bit archaic but beautiful....
    it meanders like a true dreamy state

    very well done indeed...

    :)
    sat (Report) Reply

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PoemHunter.com Updates

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poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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