I Love You, Bye. Poem by Joanna Fregoso

I tell myself I'm worthwhile
Because I'm afraid to die.
'Ok, ok, I love you bye.'
The words cut and bite
And I wish, I wish, I wish
I could see you with my own eyes.
You're not the first thing in my life that I have lost;
I wear my battle scars upon my battered heart.
I'm not an actor, but I know how to fake a smile.
And I keep telling myself I'm worthwhile.
Because I'm so afraid to die.
I press my lips against my drink
Hoping, hoping, hoping,
Tonight, the pills will make me sleep.
This may sound crazy,
But I remember how you look.
And sometimes at night, I put my arms around you and hold you close.
I imagine conversations and try so desperately to hear your voice again.
Do I remember what I think?
Or are my memories just figments of the sun pressed against my lids;
A cocktail of reality - so far and so cold - and lack of sleep.
Even if I could erase the pain, I'd keep them just to see
You grin your toothy, haughty grin at me
You were what made me so worthwhile.
And I'm so afraid to die
But this reality without you
Has torn my apart my heart.