Mary Had A Little Vamp After Sarah Josepha Hale And John Keats Ode To A Nightingale Poem by Jonathan ROBIN

Mary had a little vamp,
whose teeth glowed white as snow,
each night from sightly vent - no cramp -
see crimson droplets flow.

'Why does the Vamp love Mary so? '
all eager children cry;
'Why, Mary loves the Vamp, you know, '
the teacher did reply.

Kids followed her from school one day;
though stalking's 'gainst the rules;
it made goose pimples grow and stay
on fools who play with ghouls.

But they were caught, their tale remains
from history well hid,
though we discovered some remains
beneath oak coffin lid.

Imagine cardiac arrest
as plasma pumps oblique
from punctured vein, twin pinhole blessed,
or artery a-leak.

Heart aches as drowsy numbness pains
sense blue funk, hemlock drunk,
as destiny's poured down the drains
swift Lethe-wards is sunk.

Bead bubbles winking at the brim,
of purple stainèd mouth,
attest to skilled predator's whim
of killing time gone south.

No second thoughts as sharp fangs clamp,
A, B, AB, O, unglue,
dissolve, beneath moon's lurid lamp,
true haemoglobulu.

And so blood flowed from inside out,
none dared to linger near
when shadows shiver, hang about
until Vamps disappear.

Thus vampire Vlad made Mary glad
hark! men well-read may read,
from kid school lad to college grad, -
mark ruddy welt's fey bead.

He wore a scarlet cape to match
sweet Mary's rosy lips,
attached thereto gilt cup to catch
slick rhesus drips he sips.

No fly-by-night awed Mary's Vamp,
his cocktail: fear's delight,
through sky high flight soared scary champ...
here batty write ends quite.


parody written 3 May 2007 revised 3 September 2008 and 5 November 2016 - for previous versions see below

Mary had a little vamp,
whose teeth glowed white as snow,
each night from sightly vent - no cramp -
the crimson droplets flow.

Some followed her from school one day;
though stalking's 'gainst the rules;
it made goose pimples grow and stay
to see them play at ghouls.

But they were caught, their tale remains
from history well hid,
though we discovered their remains
beneath oak coffin lid.

And so blood flowed from inside out,
none dared to lingered near
when shadows shiver, hang about
until Vamps disappear.

'Why does the Vamp love Mary so? '
the eager children cry;
'Why, Mary loves the Vamp, you know, '
the teacher did reply.

Sleep-overs followed, - little Vamp
A, B, AB, O, drew
by light of Mary's lurid lamp
new haemoglobulu.

Thus vampire Vlad made Mary glad
hark! men well-read may read,
from kid school lad to college grad, -
mark then welt's red fey bead.

He wore a scarlet cape to match
sweet Mary's ruddy lips,
attached thereto a cup to catch
the rhesus drips he sips.

No fly-by-night awed Mary's Vamp,
he could fear blend at need,
though sky high flight soared scary champ -
we here end batty screed.

parody written 3 May 2007 revised 3 September 2008 - for previous version see below


Mary had a little vamp,
whose teeth were white as snow,
each night from sightly vent - no cramp -
the crimson droplets flow.

I followed her from school one day;
to stalk against the rules;
it simply made goose pimples stay
to see them play at ghouls.

And so blood flowed from inside out,
but still I lingered near,
and waited patiently about
till dawn - Vamps disappear.

'Why does the Vamp love Mary so? '
the eager children cry;
'Why, Mary loves the Vamp, you know, '
the teacher did reply.

Sleep-overs followed, - little Vamp
A, B, AB, O, drew
by light of Mary's lurid lamp
new haemoglobulu.

Thus vampire Vlad made Mary glad
hark! men well-read may read,
from kid school lad to college grad, -
mark then welt red fey bead.

He wore a scarlet cape to match
sweet Mary's ruddy lips,
attached thereto a cup to catch
the rhesus drips he sips.

The Kansas Education Board
became the first to fall
beneath a nascent vampire horde
attracting one and all.

No fly-by-night awed Mary's Vamp,
he could fear blend at need,
though sky high flight soared scary champ -
we would here end bat screed.

© Jonathan Robin parody written 3 May 2007

Parody Sarah Josepha HALE 1788_1879 Published 24 May 1830

Based upon an actual incident, Mary being Mary Sawyer parts - notably the first verse - probably by John ROULSTONE see notes below



The 'original' Mary plus other parodies to share Enjoy!



Mary had a little lamb


Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.

He followed her to school one day;
That was against the rules;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.

And so the teacher turned it out,
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.

'Why does the lamb love Mary so? '
The eager children cry;
'Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know, '
The teacher did reply.

Based upon an actual incident, parts probably by John ROULSTONE
Published 24 May 1830 Sarah Josepha HALE 1788_1879



Mary had a little lamp


Mary had a little lamp,
Filled with benzoline;
Tried to light it at the fire,
Has not since benzine.

Parody Author Unknown



Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a little lamb, a lobster and some prunes
A piece of pie, a glass of milk, and then some macaroons.

It made the naughty waiters grin to see her order so,
And when they carried Mary out, her face was white as snow.



see alternative:

Mary had a little lamb, likewise a lobster stew,
And ere the sunlit morning dawned she had a nightmare, too.


Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Ovine


Mary was the proprietress of a diminutive incipient ovine, whose outer covering was as devoid of colours as congealed atmospheric vapour, and to all localities to which Mary perambulated, her young South-down was morally sure to follow. It tagged her to the dispensary of learning one diurnal section of time, which was contrary to all precedent, and excited cachinnation to the seminary attendants when they perceived the presence of a young mutton at the establishment of instruction. Consequently, the preceptor expelled him from the interior, but he contnued to circumnavigate in the the immediate vicinity, without fretfulness, until Mary once more became visible.

'What caused this specimen of the genus ovis to bestow so much affection on Mary? ' the impetuous progeny vociferated.

'Because Mary reciprocated the woo-producer's esteem, you understand, ' the teacher answered.


Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Pin Cushion


Mary sat upon a pin
But showed no purtubation;
For some of her was genuine,
But most was imitation.


Author Unknown Sphinx - Life 21 July 1904



Mary had a little lamb


Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly,
She threw it up into the air and caught it by it's …
Willie was a sheep dog sitting on the ground
Along came a bee and stung him on his …
Ask no questions tell no lies,
Ever see a p'liceman doing up his …
Flies are a nuisance, bugs are worse
And this is the end of my silly little verse.


Parody Author Unknown




Mary had a Little Lamb


Prithee, good pedagogue, we lend our ears
To feed on explanation. It appears
That this pet lamb has passed the world's estate
Of treachery, and love that loves to prate
Of love, while loving but the sound
The gnashing lips that bear it breathe around.

Beseemeth he would with her spangle nights
And wear her as the stars wear satellites,
To him she is the lightning to the cloud,
The rain to summer, to death the shroud,
Dreams to eyes, sleep to the weary, rest
To the yearning or ambitious brest.
We prithee, pedagogue, if so be you know,
Why does this sheep love little Mary so?


Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Little Lamb


Bounce, bounce, bounce,
For Mary's poor pet wool!
But the tenderness of three days' grace
Can't get him back to school;
Oh, well for the sailor lad
That he bit his sister's thumb,
For the contribution box goes round
And the lamb is deaf and dumb!


Author Unknown
Parody S.J. Hale and Alfred TENNYSON - Break, Break, Break




Mary's Lamb



I saw that lamb rise from the hallowed ground
That emperors have kissed as they resigned their rule;
I saw him rise like Venice rise and straddle round,
There where the wraith of Time prowls like a ghoul,
And centuries have sate, each on its stool,
Then, with a spring of ages, saw him bound
To Mary's side, and down the sombre cool
Dark corridors of rotting years he followed her to school.


Author Unknown
Parody S.J. HALE and Lord Byron




Mary's Cactus

Mary had a cactus plant,
So modestly it grew.
Shooting its little fibers out,
It lived upon the dew.

Her little brother often heard
Her say it lived on air;
And so he pulled it up one day
And placed it in a chair.

Placed it in a chair he did,
Then laughed with ghoulish glee -
Placed it in the old arm chair
Under the trysting tree.

Nor thought of Mary's lover,
Who called each night to woo,
Or even dreamed they'd take a stroll,
As lovers often do.

The eve drew on. The lover came,
They sought the trysting tree,
Where has the little cactus gone?
The lover - where is he?


Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Snow White Lamb

Mary had a little lamb,
She called it Little Bro
One day she took it skiing
And lost it in the snow.


New Zealand Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Jam


Mary had a pot of jam
Presented by the cook,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The luscious jar she took.

She carried it to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
And when the teacher looked away,
She ate the jam in school.

At last the teacher found her out,
And, oh! was most severe;
But what the imposition was
It doth not well appear.

Now Mary soon began to roll
Her head upon her arm,
And felt dismayed, and much afraid
The jam had done her harm.

'Oh! why does Mary's head ache so? '
The curious children cry,
'Quaejam est, ea sic erit, '
the teacher did reply.


Author C.W.G. Newcastle Weekly Chronicle 1887
Parody Author Unknown



Dot Lambs vot Mary haf got

Mary haf got a leetle lambs already:
Dose vool vas vite like shnow;
Und every times dot Mary did vend oud,
Dot lambs vent also oud vid Mary.

Dot lambs did follow Mary von day to der shool-house,
Vich was obbositon to der rules of der schoolmaster.
Alzo, vich it dit cause dose schillen to schmile out loud
Ven dey did saw does lambs on der insides of der shool-house.

Und so dot shoolmaster did kick dot lambs quick oud,
Likevise, dot lambs dit loaf around on der outsides,
Und did shoo de flies mit his tail off patiently aboud
Undil Mary did come also from dot school-house oud.

Und den dot lambs did run right away quick to Mary,
Und dit make his het on Mary's arms,
Like he would said, 'I don't vos schkared
Mary would keep from droubles ena how.'

'Vot vos de reason about it, of dot lambs and Mary? '
Dose schillen did ask it, dot schoolmaster;
Vell, doand you know it, dot Mary love dose lambs already
Dot schoolmaster did zaid.

Moral

Und zo, alzo, dot mora vas,
Boued Mary's lambs' relations:
Of you lofe dose like she lofe dose,
Dot lambs vas obligations.


Parody Author Unknown



Mary's Lamb of Course

Mary had a little lamb,
She ate it with mint sauce,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb went too, of course.


Parody Author Unknown



Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb,
But her sister came to grief, -
She lived in 1951
And only got corned beef.


England 1951 Food Rationning
Parody Author Unknown



Mary in Pittsburg

Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow;
She took it down to Pittsburgh
And look at the damn thing now!



19th c. Parody Author Unknown


Mary Had a Little Lamb 2000

Pepper: Mary had a little lamb, but she really wanted two,
Lamb: Baa.
M.Info: And thanks to genetic research, she knew just what to do!
WOW: Scientists took the DNA from Mary's lamb and said,
Wilmut: We'll make a carbon copy, and a lamb clone will be bred!
Lambs: Baa.
M.Info: So, a brand new lamb was born, and people called it Dolly.
Pepper: Mammal cloning's first big star,
Froggo: Or mankind's biggest folly?
Nun: For if we start to clone ourselves, aren't we playing God?
WOW: Creating some master race, with perfect face and bod?
Toast: If today we clone a lamb, how long will it be
'Til someone decides to clone himself, and not clone you and me?
Pepper: So the next time Mary's little lamb comes walking down the way,
Admire its fleece, as white a snow, and not its DNA.
Lamb: Baa. Baa!
Pepper: Thank you! Thank you! Ah haa hah haa! !


Histeria N° 32 Writers of Purple Prose
Parody Author Unknown



Mary had a Little Flock

Mary had a little lamb,
then two and three and four.
And each a perfect replica
of all that went before.
The followed her to school one day
which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play
to see her flock at school.
The teacher turned the woolies out
to wait the bell at four.
But when the children tried to leave
more sheep had jammed the door.
'What makes those lambs love Mary so? '
The eager children fish.
Says teacher, dialing 9-1-1:
'She's got the Petri dish.'

Toronto Sun - Parody Author Unknown



Mary and the Lamb

Mary, what melodies mingle
To murmur her musical name!
It makes all one's fingertips tingle
Like fagots, the food of the flame;
About her an ancient tradition,
A romance delightfully deep,
Has woven in juxtaposition
With one little sheep, -

One dear little lamb that would follow
Her footsteps, unwearily fain,
Down dale, over hill, over hollow,
To school and to hamlet again;
A gentle companion whose beauty
Consisted in snow-driven fleece,
And whose most imperative duty
Was keeping the peace.

His eyes were are as beads made of glassware,
His lips were coquetishly curled,
His capers made many a lass swear
His caper-sauce baffled the world;
His tail had a wag when it relished
A sip of the milk in the pail, -
And this fact has largely embellished
The wag of this tale.

One calm summer day when the sun was
A great golden globe in the sky,
One mild summer morn when the fun was
Unspeakably clear in his eye,
He tagged after exquisite Mary,
And over the threshold of school
He tripped in a temper contrary,
And splintered the rule.

A great consternation was kindled
Among all the scholars, and some
Confessed their affection had dwindled
For lamby, and looked rather glum;
But Mary's schoolmistress quick beckoned
The children awy from the jam,
And said, sotto voce, she reckoned
That Mame loved the lamb.

Then all up the spine of the rafter
There ran a most risible shock,
And sorrow was sweetened with laughter
And this little lamb of the flock;
And out spoke the schoolmistress Yannkee,
With rather a New Hampshire whine,
'Dear pupils, sing Moody and Sankey,
Hymn ‘Ninety and Nine.''

Now after this music had finished,
And silence again was restored,
The ardor of lamby diminished,
His quips for a moment were floored.
Then cried he, 'Bah-ed children you blundered
When singing that psalmistry, quite.
I'm labelled by Mary, ‘Old hundred, '
And I'm labelled right.'

Then vanished the lambkin in glory,
A halo of books round his head:
What furthermore happened, the story,
Alackaday! cannot be said.
And Mary, the musical maid, is
Today but a shadow in time:
Her epitaph too, I'm afraid is
Writ only in rhyme.

She's sung by the cook at her ladle
That stirs up the capering sauce;
She's sung by the nurse at the cradle
When ba-ba is restless and cross;
And lamby, whose virtues were legion,
Dwells ever in songs that we sing,
He makes a nice dish in this region
To eat in the spring.

SHERMAN Frank Dempster 1860_1917


Parody S J Hale and Algernon C. SWINBURNE - Dolores



Mary's Replicated Reply

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father,
Just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,
Though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin,
As a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,
And soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day,
All cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing,
The teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones,
For Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep,
Since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all,
By simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,
Those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do,
With Mary, Mary, Mary...
~ unk

Norma VAN DER PLAAS