Treasure Island

Jim Yerman

Politically Correct Christmas Carols?

In order that shoppers would not misinterpret it’s meaning...the folks at Hallmark say,
They rewrote the line form Deck the Halls so that the apparel is no longer gay.

And just who would misconstrue the lyrics? Near as I can figure the answer’s no one,
But I’m sure we’re all glad the Hallmark apparel is no longer gay...but fun.

I’m afraid if we extend Hallmark’s logic, even though their logic is undeniably strange,
There are a slew of Christmas carols we’d quit singing, or definitely have to change.

The song Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas; we might as well throw it away
Because if Hallmark is worried about its apparel, how can our Yule tide be gay?

Silent Night has a round yon virgin who is a mother with a child on the way.
How dare we allow our children to sing about a woman defiled that way.

We can’t use the word virgin if she’s with child, there’s something inaccurate about that.
And we can’t make her round, that’s insensitive, might as well be calling her fat.

We can no longer sing about a White Christmas, think of the fighting that would bring about
Because if our Christmas is only a white one, so many other colors are being left out.

If I really saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, that would be wrong, of course
And chances are Christmas would be ruined when Mommy and Daddy divorce.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town reads: he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.
We’ll certainly have to alter these lyrics, if not for us then our children’s sake.

If he’s in our bedroom at night and near us during the day, to him the police would assail.
Because Santa, the stalker, would be breaking the law and we’d send his ass to jail.

If not jail, I’m afraid we’d throw the harmony of Christmas completely out of order
When this year Santa finds himself slapped with a restraining order.

Over the years singing the classics have we all been a little shortchanged?
Are none of our carols politically correct? Do all of them need to be changed?

Or...can we put an end to this nonsense and go out and appreciate the day
By having a holly jolly Christmas while letting our apparel and Yule tide be gay.

Submitted: Thursday, December 12, 2013
Edited: Thursday, December 12, 2013

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