Self Infused Wrath And Love Of Life And God Poem by Sandra jacks

There you go again God,
Pulling on the strings of my heart God....
Trying to push me to once again,
Gain back all that I've lost God.....

I thought I had it down this time...
I knew this and I knew that...I knew everything except.....
Except for the one thing I forgot to know
Because I lost it so....
What was it that I didn't know or...
Or maybe I still don't,
A relationship once kindled with fire in mind...
But mostly a fire in heart....

A fire kindled not in the moon light...but in the shining light of darkness revealed,
When the past came to get me..
I wasn't surprised,
There's a price that you pay for deciding to be blind in the night...
Which was what I did...
Blinded by the emptiness inside that I hate which...
Which drove me to do was all hating people to....
To kill...
But I am not a murderer so I decided it was time to murder anyways...
Murder myself....in quite a calm unviolent way...
I was lost...in my own trap,
I was so concerned about being put in a box that I boxed myself in...

But there you go again God...
Pulling at the strings of my heart,
Because I have heard your voice,
Because I know the noise...

Which brings me to now...

Four years later,
Not dead,
Not alive...
Just existing....which is no surprise because...
My skepticism is the cost of my strength...
I can hurt you....but in turn I destroy myself...hurting two for the price of one,
Injuring those who had no where to run because they thought...
They thought they had my loyalty but I'm not like a dog....
You can't trust me....
If I were an animal....
Most might call me a porcupine...and if you don't know me you don't have to guess why.....

So anyways God I'm sorry I left,
Because it is not your fault that I left...it was no your fault that I hated and murdered...but not quite...

Because I can hearing you in my darkest hour as a testimony To myself comes my savior tell me how he formed Me for him,
He knew and knows my inner most being and formed me in this way...

He formed you in this way....
You.