I hear them talking telling what to do to stop the pain, reminding me
that I will never be as good as everyone else, will never be able to
do enough to become acceptable to others. I remember things to well
things like being excused from gym because I had bruises from the
bottom of my feet up to the top of my shoulders. You don't leave
marks on the face then people know, that is unacceptable. remember
what it felt like to have the one person I trusted get paid for me to
have sex with a man 35 years older than me when I was 11. how her
fists felt and the taste of the front of the refrigerator when I
connected with it. after a while you stop fighting, stop caring,
start complying because it doesn't hurt as bad. I remember the day
that I realized that men liked girls like me young and compliant the
lessons learned in that time frame are hard to forget and hurt all
the more when you have to learn them again. at 12 I had figured out
that if I did what men wanted I could eat and have a warm place to
sleep. every time they touched me hurt me pinched slapped hit bit
I learned a little more until the only thing that I feel anymore in
pain and I enjoy parts of it. I have trained myself to accept the
feel of a fist, the feel of a mans hands around my throat, of him
filling me up in ways that I never imagined when I was a child. the
thing that is so ironic is that the only time things are right now
is when that beautiful steel slides into your skin and leaves
gorgeous new marks on my skin. I look around am so detached that I
sometimes wonder what the point of this life is, than I remember
again it is to make others happy. I have found satisfaction and peace
in pain, in refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that
they can hurt me. it is time again to feel the indescribable, to
slide that metal like a hot knife thru my skin and release all the
built up tension again then all will be right with the world again. I
wonder if I will ever be strong enough to fulfill the end goal of
stopping it before it builds up again. I am going back to the man I
love who gets a strange joy out of hurting me and I think I am
accepting of it now. maybe if im not strong enough than one day he
will finally do it take that final step and give me peace. I don't
want to listen to the voices anymore but am to tired to shut them off
anymore. so thanks to all who have gone out of there way to destroy
first a child and then a teen now and adult. I express my
appreciation for creating the monster that lives inside my head and
the one I have found it so easy to be.
Although I do not like to read the long poems, but I enjoyed this one, thanks.
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
A horrifying, tho well written monologue, Deanna.