gordon nosworthy

Alone But Not Lonely

it doesn’t matter
how much we try to hide it
wall it off
pave it over
slap it with opaque paint
each of us
when it comes down to it
is alone

I want to say this unadorned
without lace or frill
so that when I re-read this
in the morning
I will understand:
in spite of wife and friends and family
& work
I am alone

when I was born
I didn’t think about anyone
but myself
the only people
I’ve ever witnessed dying
didn’t care about anyone
during those final few moments
other than themselves
when consciousness seizes me
I realize the volume
I exist inside
has barely enough room
for my self

I ship in pictures
from the experience surround
to verify the existence
of my self
recollections of what has occurred
to my self
sacred memories

I hang them from my walls
surround the animated plateau of my thought
as hooks
I know they are important
because they hang there
providing the footings on which I live:

what is loved
what is unloved
I want to feel
as if what happens to them
happens to me
at the same time

comparisons never cease
data gathers like dust
builds swells crescendos
eventually to become squeezed
into what my self
remembers by knowing

my self stands on the edge
before a trail of me
everything else
exists beyond
the edge
the separation a line in metaphorical sand
which will never be breached
can never be breached

emotions hide the separation
speaking a language
of human hormonal glue
even though the other side
forever will be the other side
the inside
will forever remain the inside
yet ceaselessly cemented to each other

so I am alone
this is no psychotic break
this is a reflection
a revelation
not a cry for solace
not a call of loneliness

when encountering a stone
along the path
the only option open
the stone
in the same way I accept
the path

loneliness means I don’t like
being alone
having no other choice
is the stone
the path
each breath
I take

Submitted: Thursday, March 13, 2014
Edited: Friday, March 14, 2014

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