Treasure Island

Bri Edwards


Too Nice? ……. [My Life, Being Nice; Fantasy; Humor; Personal; A Little Long]


Yes, I’m just TOO NICE, but I won’t “blow my own horn”.
It’s something that came naturally to me, ever since ……I was born.
Even BEFORE my birth, “niceness”, to me, did stick.
Why, not ONCE, when I was in the womb, did I, my mommy, kick!

I remember the day I emerged headfirst to see the world.
I cut my own umbilical cord, raised it above my head, and twirled.
Later, a hospital nursery nurse said “this crying gives me a damn head-ACHE”,
so, from that day on, till I began to talk, not one more squawk …..did I make.

The one time my daddy “changed me”, he held his nose and said “Pew! ”,
so of course, from that day on, no more smelly you-know-what did I “doo doo”.
When Mom breastfed me in public (sometimes with one, sometimes with two) ,
I raised my hands to cover Mom’s you-know-what, to spare the strangers …the view.

[Fast-forwarding several years, during which I was ….oh so nice]:

On Christmas Eve Mom and I left, for Santa, ….milk and cookies for his snack.
Then, on my own, I got carrots for his deer, and put them near the pool out back.
On Christmas day, from all my gifts ……I kept just one, not more;
the rest I took to a homeless shelter …for the kids there who were poor.

In sixth grade I got in trouble in math class, ……….‘cause I was so nice;
for helping others on their math tests, I got punished, not just once but twice! !
Six years later I helped my high school football team be undefeated; yes, we won them ALL.
BUT, when the score was TOO lopsided, I’d toss the other team the ball.

Harvard, Stanford, and MIT all offered me full scholarships; yes, they ALL wanted ME.
I didn’t want to disappoint them, SO I earned a Harvard BS, a Stanford MS, and ….an MIT PhD.
My studies, sports, and dating kept me busy, BUT I didn’t dare to be NOT nice,
so I found some time to give to each university’s Board of Trustees ……advice!

I formed a high-tech research firm which, financially, did very well.
Each year I gave all workers 100% bonuses, which each …..thought was swell.
I gave my alma maters big gifts as well, and served on each of their Boards.
I gave money to all non-profits (who asked) , which soon amounted to hordes.

I married four times; each was lovely; they all were treated like queens.
But don’t think I’m stupid. I’m just nice. I never lived beyond my means.
My sons and daughters I, all, did love, and I helped them in many a way.
And I donated each month to sperm banks, …………to help others with my DNA.

My father was a three-time loser ……..who ended his years in jail,
BUT I did what I could to comfort him, and each week I wrote, ….without fail.
My mother suffered from mental illness. Life for her was a never-ending struggle,
but whenever I visited her in the hospital, we’d sit very close and share a snuggle.

I went to Mass once a month, and confessed to a priest once a year.
I was never sure God really existed, but for my soul I have no fear.

Now I’ve climbed a snowy mountain; I’ve come up here to die.
I’ll give myself to the ravens and vultures; over me, they now do fly.

(April 13 + 14,2014)

Submitted: Friday, April 18, 2014
Edited: Saturday, April 19, 2014

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Topic(s): humor

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Poet's Notes about The Poem

well, i AM nice, BUT maybe not THIS nice. there is a little of me in the poem [four wives][i've visited harvard to see a friend, and stanford to take a tour, but NOT as a prospective student! ][i like to donate blood and DO as often as my wife will let me, but i never donated at a sperm bank, though the thought appeals to me; i had a vasectomy about 30 years ago, so it wouldn't do any good after that 'little surgery'].
i'd say the rest of the poem is fantasy, totally! oh, wait! i would like to have ravens and vultures eat me, but not until i'm dead. i 'love' birds.

Comments about this poem (Too Nice? ……. [My Life, Being Nice; Fantasy; Humor; Personal; A Little Long] by Bri Edwards )

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  • Noreen Carden (4/25/2014 1:40:00 PM)

    Aw Bri such a saint [NOT] I love this poem even though its mostly lies.Its funny and also well written I particularly like the bit about the birds. Nicely done Bri I give it a ten (Report) Reply

  • Valsa George (4/22/2014 11:56:00 PM)

    Oh..Bri..... you are indeed so nice... Even as a baby... you were so thoughtful... How you helped your Dad and Mom... A very thoughtful son and a wonderful husband who treated all his four wives like queens....! !

    'When Mom breastfed me in public (sometimes with one, sometimes with two) ,
    I raised my hands to cover Mom’s you-know-what, to spare the strangers …the view.' This made me chuckle...! !

    Enjoyed much... learing more about your niceties! ! (Report) Reply

  • John Westlake (4/22/2014 9:26:00 AM)

    Nice story. Almost amusing but it could jus6 be the weird day I'm having. Even the nicest people have claws Bri. There are times when nice just doesn't cut it and you have to be a c*** to stop yourself getting walked on (Report) Reply

  • Danny Draper (4/21/2014 4:28:00 AM)

    You gave gratis all your life and yet in your demise you gave your bits to hungry scavengers and for selflessness who could top this? (Report) Reply

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