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Aufie Zophy

Freshman - 1,549 Points (18 October 1964)

Y.. A deep valley


A valley, unfathomably deep
It's dark, it's cold; bitter tears I weep
Is there a way up, is there a way out?
Should I be quiet or just start to shout?

I'm lost in the labyrinth of being worried
Engulfed in self pity I am almost buried
Monstrous dinosaurs of hatred surround me
My ego's nasty revenge has not yet found thee

I want to get out at any cost
The more I fume, the more I am lost
A hopeless jungle of feeling bad
The situation just drives me mad

Until finally,

I come across the path of love
Leading to somewhere high above
A path created by wisdom of Saints
It seems to be free of all restraints

I start to follow this path of unconditional love,
Away from this valley, I want so much to get out of
Worry and hatred are left behind
Bye, deep valley, I have freed my mind



--
Note:
This poem is about one hour or so I spent in nature in solitude
soon after a very disheartening verbal encounter
with one of my teenage sons whom I love soooo much.
Really, love is our God's way......

Submitted: Sunday, October 02, 2011
Edited: Thursday, February 16, 2012

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Comments about this poem (Y.. A deep valley by Aufie Zophy )

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  • Rookie Lasoaphia Quxazs (2/11/2012 1:25:00 PM)

    I am so glad to hear the end. Yes that is the secret of life. Find peace, respect to the other person, love and know that everything works for good, no matter what it is.
    I had only one child, possibly because I could not handle more. You are a wise father I respect you to the highest. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 812 Points Unwritten Soul (10/15/2011 7:29:00 AM)

    The Note add more greatest feeling and i was like ' God, i like this piece so much'...i like the tone from beginning to the end, it's amazing how you pull it that way...Passionate, love, solitude and attitudes are so striking here..It's great write :) Keep it up! ! ! ! _Unwritten Soul (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 44 Points Malaya Roses (10/14/2011 8:29:00 PM)

    Every man have their own way and different from each other and that's includes family too but love is always there...! ! !
    Nice expression and wise opinion is there in this poem and thanks for sharing it with us...! ! ! (Report) Reply

  • Veteran Poet - 2,974 Points Walterrean Salley (10/13/2011 6:42:00 PM)

    The bitter reality of life; but with a good resolve. A beautiful poem of consolation and hope. My best to you and your son. (Report) Reply

  • Freshman - 1,047 Points Elena Sandu (10/12/2011 7:03:00 AM)

    Good poem, true dear friend keep love and smiles alive, I know will come a time you will both have great laugh at those days. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 39 Points To Windward (10/10/2011 10:47:00 AM)

    I like the premise of the poem although, of course, it is so difficult to write anything new about being lost without love. You bring colour to the piece with the imaginative use of dinosaurs and the deep valley and I do like a poem that is not all self pity and ends with a bit of hope. You’ve asked for some constructive criticism, so here goes!

    You've chosen a simple structure to the poem - aiming for a pair of rhyming couplets for each stanza - except they are not true couplets because they vary in length so much, and in places they do not truly rhyme. Some lines have as many as thirteen syllables whilst others have only nine. The lines themselves don't have a very poetic structure - there is no pattern to stressed or unstressed syllables. The overall effect is that the piece has an irregular rhythm and the rhymes appear forced. As an example, if I take the second line of your first stanza, which is a line that has some rhythm, slightly modify it, and come up with a new line of nine syllables to couple with it, with similar, da dum type stress on the syllables, you may see the difference

    It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s bothering me
    I haven’t a light by which to see

    If now we change these to ten syllables, see how the trotting feel of the lines smoothes out to more of a canter?

    It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s bothering my mind
    I have no light, I’m near frozen and blind

    The rythym of a poem is like its inner tune and I think the feel of this tune should match the message of the poem.

    Personally, I'd like to outlaw the use, in modern poems, of old English words which are not in everyday use. Words such as thee, thou and thine reinforce the unnatural feeling the forced rhymes already provide. I feel certain that if Shakespeare was alive today he would not be thee and thouing all over the place! I hope these comments help. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 61 Points Vipins Puthooran (10/5/2011 9:02:00 AM)

    In a catch-22 or in a dilemma, we looking for a path everywhere as we are in trouble... The path of wisdom, the path of love and the path of His way may lead us to a land, where we'll be free...
    Wonderful poem, , , so inspirational and spiritual....i like the last two lines..that line will be the line of a victor... (Report) Reply

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