Treasure Island

Joe Rosochacki

You're Deep Cow Urine

“Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? ”
Do you do Mountain Dew? That was what they asked people in India, before a group of investors spoke about the bovine brew. Oh my gosh, You’re kidding, Mr. Om Patash! The drink will be known as “gau jal”. That means “cow water” for ya’ll. Forget champagne to bring in January 1st,2010 with cheer, Patash says that the drink will be 'very soon, maybe by the end of this year'. But will it look something Mountain Dew? Mr. Patash says, “Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too, ' He added that the pee would not come from cats or dogs such as a dachshunds, 'Its USP* will be that it's going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins.' Anyway, the thought of drinking urine, not for me but for them. “while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to 'purify' those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system.” Gandhi drank his own urine but somehow that was not quite the answer, for physical healing, In 2001, the RSS* and its offshoots – which include the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party – began promoting cow urine as a cure for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer. 'We're going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind, ' he said. 'We may also think of exporting it.' My wife and I love Indian Cuisine, but if they ever go after McDonald’s or Burger King or Sonic making patties out of dung, …..well--I am not into that a bit. Somehow a value meal doesn’t sound right when someone, in their Tata Nano, yells out, “I take a Raj with cheese, fries, large diet gau jal.”

(*note: United States Pharmacopeia (USP) The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) , India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group)

Submitted: Thursday, April 30, 2009
Edited: Saturday, September 26, 2009

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