The Diary Of Anaïs Nin, Volume 1: 1931-1934

"Am I, at bottom, that fervent little Spanish Catholic child who chastised herself for loving toys, who forbade herself the enjoyment of sweet foods, who practiced silence, who humiliated her pride, who adored symbols, statues, burning candles, incense, the caress of nuns, organ music, for whom Communion was a great event? I was so exalted by the idea of eating Jesus's flesh and drinking His blood that I couldn't swallow the host well, and I dreaded harming the it. I visualized Christ descending into my heart so realistically (I was a realist then!) that I could see Him walking down the stairs and entering the room of my heart like a sacred Visitor. That state of this room was a subject of great preoccupation for me. . . At the ages of nine, ten, eleven, I believe I approximated sainthood. And then, at sixteen, resentful of controls, disillusioned with a God who had not granted my prayers (the return of my father), who performed no miracles, who left me fatherless in a strange country, I rejected all Catholicism with exaggeration. Goodness, virtue, charity, submission, stifled me. I took up the words of Lawrence: "They stress only pain, sacrifice, suffering and death. They do not dwell enough on the resurrection, on joy and life in the present." Today I feel my past like an unbearable weight, I feel that it interferes with my present life, that it must be the cause for this withdrawal, this closing of doors. . . I am embalmed because a nun leaned over me, enveloped me in her veils, kissed me. The chill curse of Christianity. I do not confess any more, I have no remorse, yet am I doing penance for my enjoyments? Nobody knows what a magnificent prey I was for Christian legends, because of my compassion and my tenderness for human beings. Today it divides me from enjoyment in life."
p. 70-71

"As June walked towards me from the darkness of the garden into the light of the door, I saw for the first time the most beautiful woman on earth. A startling white face, burning dark eyes, a face so alive I felt it would consume itself before my eyes. Years ago I tried to imagine true beauty; I created in my mind an image of just such a woman. I had never seen her until last night. Yet I knew long ago the phosphorescent color of her skin, her huntress profile, the evenness of her teeth. She is bizarre, fantastic, nervous, like someone in a high fever. Her beauty drowned me. As I sat before her, I felt I would do anything she asked of me. Henry suddenly faded. She was color and brilliance and strangeness. By the end of the evening I had extricated myself from her power. She killed my admiration by her talk. Her talk. The enormous ego, false, weak, posturing. She lacks the courage of her personality, which is sensual, heavy with experience. Her role alone preoccupies her. She invents dramas in which she always stars. I am sure she creates genuine dramas, genuine chaos and whirlpools of feelings, but I feel that her share in it is a pose. That night, in spite of my response to her, she sought to be whatever she felt I wanted her to be. She is an actress every moment. I cannot grasp the core of June. Everything Henry has said about her is true."

I wanted to run out and kiss her fanatastic beauty and say: 'June, you have killed my sincerity too. I will never know again who I am, what I am, what I love, what I want. Your beauty has drowned me, the core of me. You carry away with you a part of me reflected in you. When your beauty struck me, it dissolved me. Deep down, I am not different from you. I dreamed you, I wished for your existance. You are the woman I want to be. I see in you that part of me which is you. I feel compassion for your childlike pride, for your trembling unsureness, your dramatization of events, your enhancing of the loves given to you. I surrender my sincerity because if I love you it means we share the same fantasies, the same madnesses"

4ever My Friend (C) 3-29-2007

4ever my friend you will always be
And you'll always be the number 1 girl to me
I know we've known each other 4 so long
And the friendship we've built has always been strong
But days go by, me wishing that we didn't have such a bond
Cause all the love I feel for you keeps building on and on
I don't want you to think I'm sweating you, or I'm like a stalker
I would tell you face to face but I'm really not much of a talker
Maybe it's because you actually count as someone I love
Or just that your a tease sent from below or fallen from above

To Music

Music: breathing of statues. Perhaps:
silence of paintings. You language where all language
ends. You time
standing vertically on the motion of mortal hearts.

Feelings for whom? O you the transformation
of feelings into what?--: into audible landscape.
You stranger: music. You heart-space
grown out of us. The deepest space in us,
which, rising above us, forces its way out,--

Love, Love, Love, In Love...

Love is the salt, in the life-meal
If you taste it unsalted, many times hurt you feel

Love is something real, you cant pretend
If you have no feelings, give it an end

Love is a combination, that join two
Makes them one with passion true

Love is to feel good with all your deeds

*playful Night.....

Around the space of uttermost silence
The night showed its playful presence
Breaking the drought of intimate feelings
With the light of endearing darkness.......

Our Life

In the evening, when he's got the time to spend with me,
He goes and falls asleep watching TV,
Is it because we're now a wee bit old,
And our feelings for each other have perhaps grown cold,
No, not at all, it really just goes to show, how
Our life has turned into quiet contentment now.

Winds Of Autumn

Even in a person
most times indifferent
to things around him
they waken feelings
the first winds of autumn

A Sunset Song

I sit beside the hearth fire of your words,
A temporary light by feelings heard.
Beyond the dark rim, winter's killing fields
Encroach upon a heart by memory sealed.

Time like a brave old rooftop slants with snow,
Pictures the elegance of far ago,
When warm sound was enough to make the cold,
Paint a sunset of instrumental gold.

Life Is Love, And Love Is Life

life is life, however it would go
love is love, no matter what would occur
love is growing more with every hearts beat
feelings of my heart could never change
love is life, life is love
you can enjoy them as much as you want....

What I Seek?

What I wished throughout life?
No trouble, nice spending with wife,
Children just before eyes playing,
I knell down before HIM and praying,

Wished that Life should have hard going,
No vehicle or rope just to toe the Boeing,
Why I need continuous pet on back?
Does it not discourage and develop crack?

Making Fun

Do you enjoy while making fun?
Do you fear while pointing a gun?
Where you ever chased or made a run?
If not, then you are exceptionally only one

We forget while making fun at other
Care not for feelings and never bother
When we face the same situation one day?
We feel hell let loose and no hope of ray

To Women As Far As I'M Concerned

The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feeling I don't have, I won't say I have.
The feelings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty sure they haven't got them.
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
You'd better abandon all ideas of feelings altogether.

- A Paper Soul -

A paper soul
An empty hole
Left out in the pouring rain
Now soaked
These bitter feelings of regret
These painful feelings of neglect

And still I’m crawling
Through the shades
Of empty corridors of memories

Haiku - Truth

If you do not know,
Ones feelings for another,
Do not just assume.

**************what A Woman Can Do***************1979

when a woman can bring beauty into the heart of man
she knows that she is on the right track.
for man will always try to hide the feelings
he has locked up inside.
it is an emotion he will try to deny.

but when he looks upon your face
he will know it's no disgrace
to let his feelings all unwind
and want to be with you til the end of time.

On Love

Love is the fabric of soul
silken touch of heart
smooth ride of feelings
to work wonder for emotional healing.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ***global Village ***! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

heart awes by humanistic stream divine
as rocking across universe and evolution
man and matter resound in own volition eclectic
through ages and eons above as redounding

our quest and queries smack of innovations
on facets diverse of mankind descending
in its rungs of varied class consciousness
as riffling always as complex yet filtering

Being With You Wasn'T Right

Being with you wasn't right,
But it did not stop me every night.
I just kept having all these mixed feelings
As I stared at the four walls and the ceiling.
I knew that your life seemed so unfair.
I want to show you that I cared.
I saw that your broken heart needed mending.
A helping hand, was what I was extending.
You taught me that being kind was something I should do.
That's why I'll always love you.

Alone In My Darknees

alone in my darknees

i was alone...
alone i live in my darkness..
no one share me..
no one considerated my feelings..

i was a human without sense...
without loving....
and i was without heart....

Old Feelings

The moment was too intimate to keep.
We had to make a compromise with dusk
To keep the blue from entering our bones.
The shadow of old feelings held us fast.

I think some things should never have been said
Over those cups of coffee that we shared.
The warmth of smoke brought all the longing back
To drink the landscape in each other's eyes.