Christmas Story Poem by Sidi Mahtrow

“Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the house...”
Is how the old poem began but it didn’t consider the louse,
Who is the main character in this new story.
Be warned, the subject is much bloodied and the story gory.

In the dark of night, in the Oldsmobile he came,
With headlights off, all houses look’d the same.
At house 106 on this suburban street,
He pulled into the driveway quickly and neat.

Shielded from neighbors by the overhanging trees
No one was to see him, not even the noseies.
Out of his wagon he emerged dressed in black,
A garbage bag of same color he’d use for his pack.

To the back door he crept like a mouse
That’s the best way in, to burglar a house.
When what to his surprise did he sadly discover,
The sharp barbs of roses, did rend his silken shirt and smooth skin asunder.

To the swimming pool enclosure he did boldly enter
And found that toys had been left, right and center.
A twist of an ankle sent our hero asplash
Into the pool he went with a dash.

As he crawled forth from this watery cool
He discovered his wallet was lost in the pool.
A sucking noise attracted his attention and to his dismay
T’was caused by the pool vacuum skimmer putting his credit cards away.

Lost is lost and they cannot be recovered,
So out of mind he put the thought that his identit’d be discovered.
Approaching the French Doors of this manse on the hill
He still needed entry before his sack could he fill.

Luck was with him as he turned the brass handle
And the door sprang open revealing inside stockings hung by the mantle.
“This will be easy, ” did our burglar exclaim,
Before bumping his shin on the end-table that caused him great pain.

In the house at last, he looked for his flashlight most dear,
There in the pool bottom it shown bright and clear.
Never mind the loss of such a valuable tool
He’d just get by without light; the fool.

First to the bedroom for milady’s jewels
The rest could await his search for treasures and tools.
But first he discovered that in haste, owners in departing
Strewed clothes on the floor in which he soon entangled in.

As might be expected to the floor he fell
Exclaiming a statement that ended in.... hell.
Arising, at the dresser, he finally found
The family jewels neath someone’s nightgown.

Into his knapsack he deposited them all with a dash
Not looking to see if there was any spare cash.
Back to the center for entertainment he ran
Discovering a skateboard that interrupted his plan.

There on the bench lay CDs aplenty
He knew not, they were copies and not worth a penny.
Atop the jewels he piled them with gusto
Thinking how rich he would soon be tomorrow.

Now to the dining room he went with haste,
And discovered a throw rug that had someway’d been misplaced.
Down on the ceramic he went with such a clatter
Would waken the dead if it really did matter.

Rising slowly he examined the problem,
He’d lost his eyeglasses and needed to find em.
Find them he did when he heard a scrunching
‘Twas his shoe atop them to pieces a grinding.

With vision impaired, his hearing became more acute,
A noise came from a bedroom, he reasoned astute.
Pushing the door slightly ajar to see inside
He could see nothing, so pushed the door wide.

A strange voice rang out so crystal clear,
“Jesus is Watching! ” Oh dear.
Someone is here and he thought, I’m in trouble sure.
Then the voice repeated “Jesus is Watching! ” in tone just as pure.

He retreated to the kitchen to think this one through and slipped
On the tiles cause his wet sneaker soles weren’t sipped
Crash to the floor he once again flew
This time breaking the crystal of his Rolex, new.

Regaining his composure he listened again,
As the voice repeated, “Jesus is Watching! ”
It dawned on our intruder, the source of the sound
Was a bird, his presence had found.

Emboldened by his discovery he said, “You’re a Bird.”
And the voice replied, “You’re a Blundering Nerd! ”
Now he asked, “What’re you called? ”
“Moses” came back the response down the hall.

“Moses, how stupid.”
“Who’d name a bird Moses? Why not Donner, Blitzen or Cupid? ”
“Be patient, and let me tell you.”
Was the reply from the darkness as the bird into the kitchen flew.

“Jesus is Watching.” is what my owners taught me
To frighten burglars and cause them to flee.
You see the name Jesus was given anew,
To the big Rottweiler that stands right behind you.

Two red eyes and a bright shinny nose
Did appear inches away from his own shoe enclosed toes.
Grabbing the black plastic bag which he thought held his booty,
He’s out of the house and it’s not even ten thirty.

Through the roses again he went with such a clatter,
Neighbors awakened to see what’s the matter.
They saw him on his way to depart with his possession
Stealing the garbage was his only transgression.

As he jumped into the Olds and drove away in great fright,
They heard him exclaim something about Christmas and “-- good night”