Deathly Silence Poem by RoseAnn V. Shawiak

Having been there, taking care of my Mom out of love, doing
everything possible for her, loving her throughout it all.

Losing sleep, worrying, losing sleep worrying I wouldn't
be with her when she needed me most, worrying that her final
moment would be lived alone, that I'd fall asleep and she'd
be gone.

Praying constantly, praying selfishly, because I can't bear
to lose her, yet, praying unselfishly, because I can't bear
to see her suffer.

There are so many conflicting emotions and thoughts running
rampantly throughout this mind and being, thinking. Not
wanting her to suffer, yet not wanting to lose her,
vacillating continuously, a constant uphill struggle.

A final battle, tears falling, stirred by memories of the
past, loving, caring, sharing, a mother is always a friend.

Preparing myself mentally, thinking I have emotions under
control, prepared for her death, at least I tell myself it's
so.

And then it happens. Unexpectedly. Quickly. Her life is
over. She is gone.

Sorrow is too heavy, heart and soul are suddenly opened with
a gaping hole that cannot be filled.

Emptiness is too great, too vast, nothing can quench it, the
pain wrings my heart over and over, tears surging repeatedly
from depths never before known.

The sheer horror of losing my mother, losing her love, sends
me spinning headfirst into the deepest sorrow I will ever
know.

Pain is great, it is real, every way I turn there is total
darkness, the spirit of her life is no longer present to me,
the essence of her being that I've known my entire life is
gone in a flash, a moment of deathly silence.

Mom is ripped from my gentle grasp, never to be seen again
on the shores of earth.

There is nothing like the loneliness, deep and hurting,
etching it's memory forever within you.

People all around, none of them can help. A Mother's death
is an experience that can only be lived through.

It is a journey every individual must make alone, words
cannot comfort or touch and ease the sorrow, not even from
one family member to another.

We all hold our Mothers close to our hearts, we share the
same sorrow of their deaths, but we still cannot help each
other.

None of us can see above our grief, our eyes are downcast,
our minds are running through the past.

After only just a moment of death, an eerie, haunting feeling,
a thought, that she is not really dead.

Reality hits hard and fierce, not caring how it hurts and
causes pain, it is unaware of our pretenses and denial, it
sits instead, awaiting our pain and grief, our sorrow and
disbelief, for the power death has over each of us.

The moment after death has completed it's task, our minds
take over, trying to fool us into thinking Mom has not yet
died.

A surge of power from within our hearts pushes out and we
believe that prayer will save her yet.

Praying, eyes closed, concentrating, praying like we never
have before, when that slip of stark reality hits with a force
you cannot cast aside.

Heart heavily overflows, falls out of your body, is crushed
beyond comprehension, wrung by sorrow's hands, no longer able
to hold on to hope.

Letting go reluctantly, feeling a part of yourself being
wrenched from within, forever gone, taken with your Mom to
heaven.

Silence of her death continues to begin forever.