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dian hayati

Rookie (25 of august 1978 / palembang, south sumatera, Indonesia)

Sun, You!


I should explained that my face was burned for a sun
I should explained that my eyes was failing for a sun
I should explained that my back was scarred for a sun
I shpuld explained that my body was festered for a sun
I should explained that my leg was paralyzed for a sun
I should explained that my heart was broken pieces for a sun

Then...
I should explain that the sun is you! !

That you made my face burned of missing you every single minutes
That you made my eyes failed of being freak to love you
That you made my body festered of being hurt hoping you
That you made my leg paralyzed of being tired cathching you in dream
That you made my heart broken pieces of keeping this love seed!


You! ......You! .......You! ........You!

Submitted: Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Edited: Tuesday, November 25, 2008
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  • Rookie Kiarra Smith (12/30/2008 6:50:00 PM)

    I am so sorry it took me so long to write back. I have mostly been preoccupied with life. Here is what you need to do to fix this poem. First, don't repeat the same words at the beginning of each line. Ot kills the poem as a whole and turns away the reader from your piece. There are grammatical errors as well, unless you put them there intentionally. The first line would go 'I should HAVE' or 'I should've'. Either one of those is grammatically correct. Secondly, do not be so obvious in the poem. Let the reader wonder and journey through their curiosity. Leave subtle hints that the sun is this person. Don't state it bluntly. It adds flavor to your piece. Since the reader knows that you are he one suffering, only use the pronoun 'my' in a limited number. Else you will be redundant. I think you did a good job in putting such passion in the poem. Many writers nowadays try to force passion, but I can see that yours is sincere, even with the errors. When I have enough time, I will be sure to comment on your other poems. I may not respond until after January 10th. At that time I will be back at college and have unlimited computer access. (Report) Reply

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