The Christmas That Nearly Never Happened
On the evening, of past Christmas Eve,
a family got a shock...when Santa Clause, wouldn't leave.
Drunk and abusive... he told them all,
Mrs Clause had had a go at him...'for being a useless drunken fool'
She also said...'that she`d had enough, of me always being merry,
and that after 100`s of years together...that I was just too darn hairy.
Sick of the site of Red.
She now hates Snow and wants Sun instead.
Don't like this...don't like that..
she even commented recently... that I am Too fat.
and then she did even..after an argument..eventually admit,
to giving the Reindeer laxatives..so I got covered in their sht'
The children where told to cover their ears,
as Santa blabbered on...about the shapes of Reindeers rears.
The Police were called to the address,
to help clear up this drunkards... awkward mess.
Jokingly, Santa joked about his big sack,
and before he knew it... his hands were handcuffed.. behind his back.
Taken to the cells, under arrest,
to rid this poor family...of a fowl mouthed drunken pest.
As it was Christmas Eve, an emergency Court was held,
A drunken Santa awoken, as a Judge yelled,
'you Mr Clause'
'before you drank...did you not pause?
pause to think,
about being under the influence...of the evils of drink.
Some leave Cookies, Milk, or a Mince Pie or 2,
they are all OK...but not it would appear..for an alcoholic like you.
The evidence states..that you do like to be merry,
but in the Police Station..its alleged... you touched up the Christmas Tree Fairy.
Then it was to the cells.... that you did go,
passing the street girls...apparently pointing whilst shouting... Ho..Ho...and another Ho.
You staggered in and hit the cell floor,
saying... 'you just cant hack Christmas anymore.'
This behavior...is simply not on,
and until you sober up... your Sleigh license.. is gone.
'In his defense'...A quiet voice is heard,
'Its not his fault' says a pixie...'this whole thing is abserd,
Mary Clause..She spiked his drink,
with drugs she wanted..to alter the way that he would think.'
'I saw her do it...and with me she would run away,
a cunning plan.. to get her husband... locked up for ruining Christmas day.
I know her plans and the strength of the drugs that she used,
without alcohol..in 2 hours time...Santa wont feel so confused.'
'I just felt guilty.. and couldn't carry out the plan,
and anyway... Mary Clause has already found herself...yet another man.'
'The evil cow'...Santa says... ' I knew I was not feeling right,
Let me drive my sleigh Judge, I promise to stay off the booze tonight.'
'With this new evidence, I the Judge have no choice...but to grant your request,
though for one hour more...before you fly...you must rest.'
So in a quiet room..the pardoned Santa... rests his head,
wondering how to get revenge... his imagination is fed.
Everybodys address in the world... he has in his magical book,
and when he gets home...he will take a look.
A look to see...where it is his wife has run off to,
then plan a new flight path...for dumping shed loads...of Reindeer poo.
James Irwin's Other Poems
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