Shadowed Past

This sadness enveloping me
Is like the shards of glass
Penetrating my skin
...

Pristine walls surround me
Closing my mind off from reality
Nothing is the way it should be
...

Why do I do this to my body?
This mutilation
This tendency to not react
To the pain I cause myself
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Can I control it?
I want to
I try to
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Searching but not looking
Looking but knot wanting
Wanting but not knowing
A heart in denial
...

A grain of sand is thrown,
You dodge it to avoid
The slight chance of defeat
...

Once was love, that burned like a crimson sun.
Things turned around and all they do is fight.
Seems to me, I’m a battle not yet won,
Yet they are always there, holding me tight.
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For showing
A side that I didn’t know existed
A hope not yet discovered
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Life once meaningless;
A hopeless search for purpose
Wishing every minute to pass
Faster and faster with each second
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Sometimes I find myself dueling
On the question “what if? ”
What could have been
What was
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Close enough to walk away,
But never actually wanting too?
I’m in this situation almost every day
But I can’t picture my life with out you.
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In a hole
That over time
I’ve dug for myself
...