To Thushari Williams
Dear Thushie, the six months you spent with us
Will never be forgotten, the long days you laboured
In the care home, your care-worn comings home
To sit with Brenda Williams, poиte maudit sang pur,
Labouring together to bring to light poems buried alive
And turn them into a book, the living text
Proof enough of your divine gift as muse
And enchantress of both word and screen.
Now in far Indonesia you strive to strike a bargain
With an uncaring world, webmaster with magic fingertips
You engrave the words of us, careworn poets of our age,
In blue and scarlet on a canvas alabaster page.
Simulacrum more real than reality itself,
Should reality exist in cyberspace.
My Prйvert, my Nerval, I never thought to see
So handsomely orthographed, like Li Po scrolled
In Chinese water by a blue pagoda.
Indeed if anyone could write in troubled water
It would be you, my dearest daughter.
Whether this world will grant you a living
Only time's indifference and your subtle craft will tell,
Artists like poets live on other's bounty, as you know so well.
...
When I come from the Smoke to visit my son on the ward
I see you everywhere: by the station, by the neon sign of ‘Squares'
By every shopping mall. Leeds seems to have more of you than anywhere:
How do you stand there for so many hours in freezing winds
When most you solicit hurry by, saying to themselves, as do I,
‘Charity begins at home' when you so often have no home?
I tend to give my change to the desperate, silent huddled in blankets
When all the warnings say I shouldn't but who's to judge
The deserving from the addicted?
Who but God can justly judge
My feeling is we all must learn to give.
...
Quarter to three: I wake again at the hour of his birth
Thirty years ago and now he paces corridors of dark
In nightmares of self-condemnation where random thoughts
Besiege his fevered imagination â€" England's
Imminent destruction, his own, the world's…
Sixty to eighty cigarettes a day, unavailing depot injections,
Failed abscondings, failed everything: Eton and Balliol
Hold no sway on ward one, nor even being
‘A six language master,' on PICU madness is the only qualification.
There was the ‘shaving incident' at school, which
Made him ready to walk out at fifteen, the alcohol
Defences at Oxford which shut us out then petered out
During the six years in India, studying Bengali at Shantiniketan.
He tottered from the plane, penniless and unshaven,
To hide away in the seediest bedsit Beeston could boast
Where night turned to day and vaguely he applied
For jobs as clerk and court usher and drank in pubs with yobs.
When the crisis came â€" 'I feel my head coming off my body' â€"
I was ready and unready, making the necessary calls
To get a bed, to keep him on the ward, to visit and reassure
Us both that some way out could be found.
The ‘Care Home' was the next disaster, trying to cure
Schizophrenia with sticking plaster: 'We don't want
Carers' input, we call patients ‘residents' and insist on chores
Not medication', then the letters of terrible abuse, the finding of a flat,
‘The discharge into the community.'
His ‘keyworker' was the keyworker from hell: the more
Isaiah's care fell apart the more she encouraged
Him to blame us and ‘Make his life his own', vital signs
Of decline ignored or consigned to files, ‘confidentiality' reigned supreme.
Insidiously the way back to the ward unveiled
Over painful months, the self-neglect, the inappropriate remarks
In pubs, the neglected perforated eardrum, keeping
Company with his feckless cousins between their bouts in prison.
The pointless team meetings he was patted through,
My abrupt dismissal as carer at the keyworker's instigation,
The admission we knew nothing of, the abscondings we were told of
And had to sort out, then the phone call from the ASW.
'We are about to section your son for six months, have you
Any comment?' Then the final absconding to London
From a fifteen minute break on PICU, to face his brother's
Drunken abuse, the police were kindness itself as they drove him to the secure unit.
Two nurses came by taxi from Leeds the next day to collect him
The Newsam Centre's like a hotel â€" Informality and first class treatment
Behind the locked doors he freezes before and whispers
'Daddy, I was damned in hell but now I am God's friend.'
Note: PICU- Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit
Beeston- An inner city area of Leeds
ASW- Approved Social Worker
...
Pulled from a life some leaves in evergreen
Or dressed like fragrant crinoline draped
Over shadows by di Chirico, stolen
From a station where trains never run
And set up in a tableau in the parsonage at Haworth
The three sisters with Chekovian overtones
Stood round the table where their mirrored forms
Await the blast of the last judgement's call to make them
Take that final walk across the heather mantled moor.
Down vain corridors I searched for some leaf token
Of a life unlived, a faded mignonette or four leaved clover
Down a pathway closed forever by the twists of fate:
The shadows of you gone still took the night
And I was left alone to face the painful light.
...
Why our son, why?
Every morning the same dark chorus wakes me
And I wonder how I am still alive.
'Balance the forces of life and death'
Is the Kleinian recipe for survival.
'It is God's will, life is meant to test us'
My Christian heritage tells me.
'Life is a vale of soul making'
Keats reminds us.
Insistently the morning traffic hums
As I sip my tea, list calls to make,
Sigh in frustration at unread books.
For solace I look at cards of Haworth
Moorland vistas of unending paths
Cloudscapes only a Constable could paint
High Withens in a gale, the sloping village street.
How? When? Why?
‘The truth' - if such an entity exists -
Is that I want to run away.
...
Two nights I have dreamed of you
Once as an adolescent, evanescent
Yet tangible still to the spirit's touch,
Then as a ten year old in the shared
Secret garden of our imagination.
...
Too much gone wrong â€"
No Muse, no song.
...
for Daniel Weissbort
Some poems meant only for my eyes
About a grief I can't let go
But I want to, want to throw
It away like an old worn-out cloak
Or screw up like a ball of over-written
Trash and toss into the corner bin.
I said it must come up or out
I don't know which but either way
Will do, I know I can't write in the vein
Of ‘Bridge' this time, it takes an optimistic view,
Bright day stuff, sunlight on
Roundhay Park's Childrens' Day
Or just wandering round the streets
With Margaret, occasionally stopping
To whisper or to kiss.
Now over sixty I wonder
How and where to go from here
Daniel your rolled out verse
Unending Kaddish gave me hints
But what can you or anyone say
About our son, the other one, who from
Such a bright childhood came to such
A death-in-life?
Dreamless sleep is better than the consciousness
Of bitter days; I sit in silent prayer and read
Of Job, the Prodigal, the Sermon on the Mount.
I read and think and sigh aloud to my silent,
Silent self. I write him letters long or short
About the weather or a book I've read and hope
His studies are kept up. I can't say ‘How much
Do you drink? Is it more or less or just the same?'
Its your own life
But then its partly one we shared for years
From birth along a road I thought we went
Along as one. Some years ago I sensed a change,
An invisible glass wall between us, between
It seemed you and everyone, the way friends
Hurried past, patting your shoulder in passing,
A joke in the pub, the Leeds boy who'd made good
Then threw it all away for drink.
Your boxed-up books, texts in five languages
Or six, the well-thumbed classics worn cassettes
Of Bach, Tippett's ‘Knot Garden', invitation
Cards, the total waste, my own and your's and her's.
Love does not seem an answer
That you want to know,
The hours, the years of waiting
Gather loss on loss until
My hopes are brief as days
That rush and go like speeding trains
That never stop. You drink, I pay,
You ramble through an odd text-book
And go and eat and drink and talk
And lose your way, then phone
‘To set things straight' but nothing's
Ever straight with you, the binges
Start and stop, a local train that
Locals know will never go beyond
The halt where only you get off.
...
Poems do not always satisfy the soul,
The feel of cobbles underfoot is at this moment more
Than all of Shakespeare's sonnets, the unending vistas
Of the moor, an infinity of purity that excels even Mallarmй.
I sit on the cracked steps to the church, sipping tea
With my eye on the Black Bull where Bramwell worshipped
Until a mobile phone playing ‘The Bluebells of Scotland'
Disturbs my reverie and I notice the Big Issue seller
Can find no takers among the ernest camera-ready Japanese
And mid-life couple shuffling into tea rooms.
'We are here to please'
I long for the enduring love of a woman
Here is God's glory-hole,
O, women, why are you all so angry?
...
I have no camera but imagination's tinted glass
I cannot pass this crumbling dry stone wall
Without a break to catch the vistas of the chain of Pennine hills
That splash their shades of colour like mercury in the rising glass.
The June sun focuses upon the vivid grass,
The elder's pale amber, the Victoria Tower's finger
On the pulse of past shared walks, Emley's mast
And the girl from there whose early death
We somehow took the blame for: her reach from the beyond.
Still troubles us, the only ones to mourn you, Chris,
Your corn-gold hair splayed like a longship's mast
You sailed to Valhalla through a sea of passing loves,
The deceits of married men who took your beauty
For a moment's gift then cast you with your seven year old son adrift.
The sun has gone but birdsong blunders on
As I take courage from the gone, the waving grass,
The sculptured pylons of my shadowed past.
...