Breanna NAV

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Me, Myself, And Cancer

I wake up every morning,
Dragging myself out from beneath the blankets,
Standing before the mirror, I stare at myself,
My pale skin so white and frail that it's almost green,
Deep dark circles round me eyes like as if the spots inside of me are trying to slowly pull their way through me to the outside,
So the world's eyes can focus their attention to something other than my balding head,
My cancer is killing me.
Each day I pick myself up to do the same routines as always,
But I am always dragged by my sanity to the reality of the world,
As in the back my mind I wait for the masses to collectively spread until there is no longer a part of me living,
I hate spending each day like it's a guessing game,
Expecting it to possibly get better one day only for the next day to hear it's only getting progressively worse by each moment I think it won't,
Somedays I can feel my heartbeat in my head like an alarm reminding me that at any moment my body could simple shut off.
So I learned to love watching sunsets,
The way the sun kisses the horizon and then dips below our sight,
It's a way of letting me know that if I die while sleeping that that last thing I will have seen was a beautiful end to another painful day.
What's most painful is knowing that you are going to go soon and not want to at all,
But nobody chooses cancer, cancer chooses you,
Nobody wants to feel the way I do.
As if air is getting sucked from lungs as they shrivel up,
To barely have the ability to stand or move at all because your legs are so numb and you know you are slowly losing all feeling and control to your body,
Standing in the shower trying to scrub the spots of dirty on your skin only to come to realization that it isn't dirt and they aren't going to go away.
At first I tried counting but each day more came and eventually in clumps.
I started losing count and hope that anything was every going to change,
Living with cancer isn't exactly living,
You are just spending your day as normal as possible, going to weekly support groups, and putting a smile on your face for everyone else so that the situation can become less difficult for them to bear.
Trying to stay positive because you know that that's what everyone would like you to do,
But a person can only go so far on their own hope and faith.
But it doesn't matter when you know you are walking on thin, thin ice.
I can cut my finger by accident without ever noticing it until the blood starts dripping down your hand,
Nobody really told me all the really horrible details of when you have cancer,
Like when you would lose all feeling after a doctor gives you less than a week and advice to start your will.

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