I finally understand
The source of the anger I fail to withstand.
For this moment, it is clear.
Not for long, I fear.
...
A creeping darkness follows me
Everywhere I go.
It is an evil not even I can see,
Though it pursues me so.
...
The Alaskan Wild,
That's where I want to be.
Like an innocent child,
Happy and carefree.
...
Try as I may,
I cannot wash it away;
This imperfection - this flaw.
At the wall, it makes me want to claw.
...
Fleeting dreams… Is that all they were?
Basking in warm summer meadows with her.
Our happy days spent together,
Those good times lost; Gone forever.
...
The Source
I finally understand
The source of the anger I fail to withstand.
For this moment, it is clear.
Not for long, I fear.
My mind will, again, fall within its reach.
Like a blood sucking leech,
Madness will thirst upon my brain,
It will consume my very being - I will go insane.
Part of the issue is this place.
It stimulates the challenges I face.
It is not so much the location itself,
But the people, who jeopardize my health.
I cannot trust a single one.
They plot against me for fun,
Or so I believe.
Myself, I often do deceive.
Though I know it is not so,
I feel I am about to blow
From excess anxiety.
I cannot function in this society.
I reach out to friends .
This would be fine,
But I question whether they are really there.
If they are, do they really care?
Could I be imagining it all
While into eternal darkness, I fall?
Are any of them real?
So much uncertainty! My scalp, I want to peel!
Maybe I truly am alone.
That, I think I have always known.
If only these pretenders were gone.
Then, I would not feel like a helpless pawn.
Yes, I am but a clown
Because the reason for my frown
Is my own frivolous confusion,
A plague of senseless delusion.
I am fading in and out of reality.
I cannot maintain a single mentality.
I hate what is happening to me,
But I cannot seem to break free.
I need help - for my sake,
But when everyone is perceived evil or fake,
What can I do
Except feel angry and blue?
I have fought for so long
Against what is wrong.
I am growing weak,
Blindly pursuing the peace I seek.
I know my friends would undertake the task.
They would do more than I could ever ask,
Even though I have grown gloomy and sour.
I, however, have to win by my own power.
I do not even know if those close to me exist.
No, I have to raise my own fist.
I need to fight harder than ever now,
Though I do not know how.
I cannot let it take control
Of my waning soul.
I cannot succumb to its temptation
If I am ever to find salvation.
Of my sorrow, there is no direct source.
It is a plethora of woes contriving a vulgar force.
Although, there is one important truth
I keep buried in my youth.
These elements enter the realm of culmination;
A place of creation and devastation.
Where the monsters who bring me dread
Are nourished and bred.