186 Miles Poem by DeAnna Esquilin

186 miles away
I feel your bitterness beloved…
It salivates like famished lions with spiked teeth
Seething to consume me in the black distance

In my mind ’s eye, you walk the streets on cold November days
Bundled in coats you hate cursing the mean wind.
Your mind on white beaches and blue shores with out me.

But for me dearest, it is always winter
Nature's frigid roots bear down in my heart year round in your absence.

At 186 miles away
I still feel you breathe me
You whisper my name on the wind of your thoughts
And they glide in the snow like silent tears

How sad we two?

There are moments,
ripe with a fleeting sting when I sense your knowing.
When you know!
In gut and sinew, I am missing.
Only then do I hate you.
How I wish you could bare the tears of lead that fall from my cheek in bowls
That spill and scorch the ground when I think of you.

I know you lie to yourself.
Resolved me…
Moved on…

Have you?

You kiss her but the sweetest parts of your lips have always been mine.
You cannot hide.

I know well the defense of your indifference.
And I know well the longing for me despite yourself.

You think I do not know you?

From 186 miles away
I see your citadel on the mountain
I watch you build your trench.
Go. Dig deeper your mote!
Come with a thousand women in your bed and battlefield
I will walk naked thru a sea of their blood.
Smiling & unscathed
For none have been my rival.

You see…
I will always be at your Castle’s door beloved
Waiting
With soft kisses and your tender heart cupped in my hands
Where it has always been

No matter your anger
No matter your resentment
No matter the scale of distance
This tiny heart loves you fiercely
And I will carry my sadness for you beyond my death.

You have made me your pariah.

But you love me.

You love me!

And even in your silence you speak.